Why Why Why???

Why do we like who we like?  Why do we do what we do?  Why are we the way we are?  As it relates to dating, love, and relationships, how do we enact the process?  Are we like animals in the wild instinctively mating during various cycles and times of the month?  Or Do we rationally choose who we date and why?
First let’s address why we like who we like.  When we first meet someone there is obviously some sort of physical attraction; depending on the type of dater you are.  For me, there is usually a physical feature or something in the guys’ appearance that is attractive.  It could be his face, hair, accent, height, demeanor, or the way he carries himself.  Typically, these characteristics represent physical attraction, and everyone has a particular preference or type of person they are drawn to for reasons that we can’t always explain.  This phenomenon is similar to simply being attracted to certain colors or other things we like; like clothing, cars, etc.  I believe that what we like or buy somehow represents us and our personality. That would be the major explanation for why we like what we like initially.  It could be from our upbringing or how we were bred.  Some people may have been born with a silver spoon and have already been pre-exposed to knowing about the “finer” things in life.  However, if a person has never had any materialistic type of things, expensive cars, clothes, etc, he or she may seek those things out.  There is nothing wrong with exploring a different side of life.  Contrastingly, you have people who are just the opposite.  Their personality is more in line with the simple things in life.  They may even be an environmentalist type of person.  What does all of this have to do with dating?  In choosing a mate, once we move passed our animal instinct of “ooo look at the nice looking man or woman, come on let’s mate” (be fruitful and multiply) without thinking, we realize that we attract who we are.  Or is it that opposites attract?  We just like who we like; this person represents some aspect of ourselves or the self we would like to be or become.  (The two become one).
So how do we choose our mate? Or why do we choose who we choose?  I’ve always said that it’s easier for men than women; but the men argue that it’s not.  So once we move beyond the physical attraction of the person, what’s next?  There has to be something about the person during the getting to know you process that keeps you attracted. The relationship can’t all be physical right? Not in choosing a Mate or life-long partner.  I hope that we are looking for some substance in this process.  Maybe some are not but this post is not intended for that type of casual dater; we’ve all been there before, and this is how some choose to date.  “Willy Nilly”…you hear people say all the time that they’re not looking for anything.  Is it because they are not the settling down type?  Then you hear people say, well, I wasn’t looking for a partner when I met my Husband or Wife or Girlfriend or Boyfriend…is it because they were busy with the business of life?  It is a thin line between the two.  We must keep ourselves busy with life; however we have to make time to date if our goal is to meet our potential Husband or Wife.  On the other hand, we should not live obsessing over our Future Mate, and how we are having such a difficult time; and how we keep dating or finding losers!  Yes, I’ve been there before too.

So what is it about the potential or the men or women that you are dating that keeps you holding on and hoping that he or she is Mr. or Ms. Right?  Is it their looks? (How shallow). Is it their money, educational level, the way they treat you?  What is it?  It is a combination of things.  Does this person have a plan for their life?  Does this person want to or plan to get married one day?  How does this person really feel about you?  Are they good with money and investments?  If they have children (we’re in the 30s), are they a good parent?  How do they treat their parents or other family members?  These are important questions to ask yourself, your potential, and also to observe through this process.  Have you clearly defined what you are looking for in a Mate?  We all think we know what we want; I hope.  But still sometimes we often wind up settling…we settle into what’s comfortable at the time.  The downside of staying in a comfortable situation is that you run the risk of not really getting the type of relationship that you desire.
For example, when you first meet a person, they are all about impressing you.  For the ladies, the guy will take you out; show you off to some of his friends; spend lots of time with you, the getting to know you phase (in the beginning).  Then he becomes more comfortable with you and his true colors come out; now all of a sudden he says that he doesn’t have the money to go out or that he doesn’t really like to go out.  What do you do?  Is this the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with knowing that you are the type of person who enjoys nights on the town with your Man?  I’m just saying; I know that’s not what relationships are all about, but how do you deal with someone who has portrayed such extremes in your relationship?  Do we stay in that situation for supposed love or just keep it moving?  You decide…

It seems that dating takes too much work…it should be fun right?  I remember when I was in college a guy friend said that dating is expensive.  I can definitely see how that could be true from a man’s perspective.  If he’s a gentleman, then he’s all about paying for the dinner, movie, and/or lunch, the outing.  I’ve always said that daters should become more creative.  There are lots of free ways to date which happen to be more romantic than spending lots of money on food that’s not always that good anyway.  Dating, choosing, and finding our mate takes time and balance.  If you live a balanced life, then you can attract a balanced Mate.  Unfortunately, life will throw plenty of challenges at us everyday.  In our effort to stay sane, life will affect the way we interact with our potential mates.  Do you date more than one person at a time?  It all depends on if you have the time to right; and again it can get expensive.  Maybe the first or second date could be a trip to the gym or a nice walk in the park; or maybe to church.  What’s most important in dating is finding common ground.  You have to have some things in common.  No, it doesn’t have to be everything in common; that could be quite boring.  You have to be able to talk to and communicate with your ideal Mate; and you will find early on if you mesh well with or are compatible with this person.

I always say…just be you!  Your potential will love you even more if you know who you are; what you’re willing to accept; and what you stand for!  Good luck in love and dating! And please have fun!  Stay focused; stay purposed; and Be True to You!  I love you all!

 –Dr. Rae <3

In Transition…

Happy 2013! We are officially well into the New Year; it’s almost March!  It seems I’ve been hiding…hiding from you all and hiding from myself.  You ever just feel so scatter-brained? We pray for change with the New Year making resolutions and such.  This year I didn’t make resolutions but a New Year’s Wish List.  I haven’t quite seen these wishes come true, but the good news is that I feel them on the horizon.  A new friend of mine asked me, when I told him about my wish list plan, did I write out how I would accomplish them.  Now there’s a thought.  No, I didn’t plan it out; I just had to write out what I want to happen in 2013.  Write the vision down; know what it is that you want from life.  In reality, I don’t feel as though I’ve been true to or working hard enough to see these dreams come into manifestation.  It’s easy just to coast along, but let us remember that we must take action with the energy of the New Year instead of letting it get away from us.  Sometimes we can be in such a rush for change that we will try too hard.  On the other hand, if we don’t keep referring to what we want, like actually looking at our list of goals and desires, we lose sight of them and get caught up in the everyday pressures of living life.  Pressures, meaning whatever life can unexpectedly throw at you such as illness, financial woes, lost love life or loved ones, etc.  We must learn to navigate through the hardships while attempting to enjoy life and focus on what makes us happy in life such as pursuing our goals.
Now this brings me to our love topic of the day.  I plan to go live again soon on my YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/drraelovecoach for a 2013 message.  Where are we in our love lives today?  Here goes… the love life is just as scattered as the brain.  Everything is connected here.  Let me explain.  For example, after a 20 minute conversation with the 2012 Boo-Thang on December 30^th, and evaluating where I am on this day in February, somehow it all makes sense.  I thought I’d found the one…one of the ones…you know you get that feeling sometimes.  I spent countless energy attempting to pursue this relationship with said Boo-Thang who continued to mention his emotional unavailability due to a break-up that occurred earlier in the year.  We had some great times in 2012, but I was unable to obtain that sought after solid relationship with a title that I’ve been searching for/desiring.  Which brings us to the present day 2013…transition.
The transition is a strange but excellent place to be in.  Like everything it has its pros and cons.  Essentially, this is what the 2012 Boo-Thang was trying to express.  Long story short, he felt as if we needed to focus on getting our lives together instead of being in a relationship.  As the holidays have come and gone, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s Day, I found myself alone.  Not even a Boo-Thang to share them with…this reality check at age 32 has hit me in the face…and heart…but now I’m back and ready to pursue my purpose and passions.  I’m ready to get my life in order and together.  So you’re thinking “haven’t you been doing this for awhile now”…why yes.  I spent the last six years pursuing a Doctorate degree that I was unable to complete.  How long will this transition last and what exactly is it?  This is no longer the finding myself transition.  Someone asked me that the other day.  “He said you didn’t have a Valentine because you’re finding you”…uh No… I had a Valentine last year and where is he today?  He ran away…because he was in transition when I met him…I’ve always thought that I was ready to settle down.  I still am…but we all must go through the transition.  It is similar to finding yourself…only it goes deeper than that.  It doesn’t matter your age when you go through this process.  I’m thinking that if we don’t complete this transition at a given time, we’ll have to pick it back up again.  What am I talking about?  Really pursuing what you are passionate about!

I want security…the kind that doesn’t come from a 9-5; the type of jobs I’ve been trying to obtain for almost two years now.  It’s bewildering because it shouldn’t take so much to get a job these days.  Is it because the Universe, God, is pushing me to a different calling? Something outside of the norm?  A few weeks ago, my mom said that I act as if my book, my baby, doesn’t exist.  That’s a mortifying thought.  I have allowed the pressures of life to get in the way of what I believe in.  Have I lost love for my baby?  My creativity…the thing that makes me unique?  Let us not lose sight of our gifts and talents because at the end of the day we are worth more than any 9-5 can provide for us.  We don’t knock the hustle or the so called stability of it…but what do we really want?
  Some may say, I want my Husband and kids…me too…but when he comes along will I be ready?  Will I put my passions to the side for him and to start a family or will I be ready to roll!  I’ll have something in place that looks like I’m ready.  Here’s what I’ve done and accomplished…for now…I’m just in transition.  So when the next stranger, old, young, married…whatever, whoever tries to make you feel insecure for being over 30 and single just say…”I’m in transition”…God is still preparing me for who and what He has for me.  I have a BIG dream to accomplish!

If they can’t respect that, then you definitely don’t have time for the distraction. Keep it moving!

I didn’t say don’t date…but don’t settle or allow anyone to make you feel like something is wrong with you…God has someone for you because you believe.  We attract that which we are…as we get more settled from the transition, the right person will appear. By this time we will be more confident in ourselves for working toward the dream we believe in.

 

Holiday Love

Well the holidays have finally arrived!  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  Our holidays wouldn’t be complete without love in our lives right?  Of course not!  This time of the year is meant to be cherished and spent with family, friends, and loved ones.  This is the time of the year where you are excused for being a kid again.  You can enjoy and create your own holiday magic.  For some, this time of the year can be difficult because some of our loved ones are no longer with us.  They would want us to be happy and enjoy the memories we have of them.  Also, for some of us this time of the year is difficult because we are somewhat conflicted about our single status and/or job status.  I am in a better state of mind this year than I was last year.  I remember being very depressed last Christmas as I dwelled upon everything that I didn’t have in my life; I was unemployed, man-less and without a vehicle.  My loving parents continued to remind me of everything I had in my life; such as them.  Some people don’t have family or friends to spend these happy days with.  Just when you think your situation is bad, it really could always be worse.  It sounds very cliché but it is in fact true.  We don’t wish bad on anyone, but we also must not judge someone’s situation.  You don’t know how or why some people are less fortunate than you.

Good love; is that good fortune?  Why yes, however, you shouldn’t let your single status affect your holiday mood.  Needless to say, it can.  I am blessed to have my family, my friends, and my “love friend”.  The key here is releasing our expectations of people.  I am working on my emotional state of being and counting my blessings.  I am under-employed which is better than being unemployed.  I still don’t have a vehicle, but so what.  I have accepted where I am right now, but I am also increasing my expectations.  Not my expectations of the people in my life or pressuring my “love friend” to take our relationship to the next level; but I am increasing my expectations of my overall life!  I believe that I deserve more from life, and I expect to receive those blessings in the right timing!  Positive energy and expectation creates the atmosphere to receive the blessings. 

 In my mind, I’d love to have a house, and cook, and entertain family and friends; those are some of the blessings of this time of year.  I’d love to have a romantic holiday too.  I’m a dreamer; and there is nothing wrong with that.  The scenario that I’ve just created isn’t the only aspect that makes the holiday.  Being with your family; engaging in self-love practices; eating, relaxing, hanging out with friends; that’s what makes the holiday.  For some, it may be volunteering at the local shelter or at church; doing something to help the less fortunate or just helping out with the children in your life.  God has blessed me to be an Aunt and a Godmother; there really is enough love to go around in my life for me not to be depressed about what I don’t have.

As we focus on what we do have in our lives and all the love, then more will be given to us.  It is a Universal Law.  This time of the year will be filled with happy surprises because we expect them!  The goals that we have been working toward all year regarding our careers, our life purpose, and our love life will manifest because of our hard work on them and our expectations.  The key now is to enjoy the moments!  Enjoy the people and the Holiday Magic in your life!  Create great holiday memories and live to tell about them! 

  

“First Date”

I finally gathered enough energy to go out on a “real date” with someone new!  Yay!  Go Me!  For the past couple of weeks, well for the past month or so, I had been feeling the urge to anyway; considering the inaction and non-actions of the “Boo-Thang” (love interest).  Last time I checked in with you all I told you how “I didn’t get the memo” that he had been seeing/dating other women; and how he is not ready to be in a committed relationship with me.  I was tired of selling myself short; just waiting around for him to decide whether or not I am “the one” for him.  Consequently, my date with the new guy was great!
Do you think that sometimes in dating we just take off too fast?  I do.  We are ready to plan out the whole relationship, marriage, and babies upon first meeting someone we really like.  That’s really not normal!  In fact, what is normal these days in love and relationships?  I told my hottie of a date last night that people come into our lives when we need them to.  We both agreed that honesty works best; even though sometimes giving away too much information can be a turn off, everyone deserves the right to know who or what type of situation they are possibly getting themselves into.  My date was just about as authentic as me, and I really appreciated that about him.  Everything was movie/picture perfect for a “First Date” situation; even our waitress was *blushing*. 

I have to say that this something/someone new who I encountered last night created a fresh energy for me.  Don’t we want all of our relationships/friendships to give us that feeling?  How do we lose that sense along the way with some of our love interests?  Some dating situations turn stale and sour.  Maybe it’s because one person wants more from the other, like a commitment; or wanting to change that person.  The only one you can change is you; and if you don’t like the way a dating situation is working out then you should explore other options because trying to force someone into something or force them to change will make you miserable.  You wind up losing yourself and sight of your purpose. 

 Well, me and my date plan to see each other again.  How exciting!  I mean we had things in common and talked about everything under the sun.  New friendships/relationships are always fun in the beginning, and we hope to be able to maintain authenticity with people.  It feels good to be around people who allow you to be yourself!  He wondered what I am planning to do with my “Boo-Thang” now.  A couple of weeks ago I released a YouTube video on Boo-Thangs, and how we deserve to be more than just a “homieloverfriend”.  Of course I still have feelings for the dude (we are approaching 9 months), but I’ve decided that I can’t just sit around and wait for him; and I really don’t think at this point in his life that he’s expecting me to.  Maybe he’ll come to his senses or maybe he too will continue to date other women or whatever it is that he does when he’s not with me.  Whatever happens, I know that things will work out for the good for everyone because I believe in God and that the Universe is always working to bring me only good; and that’s what I expect for my life! 

 So, no, I’m not going to plan anything…I still desire a relationship/a commitment but this doesn’t usual happen overnight.  Not that it can’t…but our actions must show God that we are open to receiving only the best by removing or letting go of situations or people that block us from receiving what we desire deep inside!

The holidays are approaching!  Good luck cuddling up with your “Boo-Thangs” or your New Thangs!  I love you all!  And I’ll keep you posted!

 

–Dr. Rae  

STL Author’s New Book Takes a Unique Journey Through Love

STL Author’s New Book Takes a Unique Journey Through Love
by Raegan Johnson

Like many women, Raechel Rivers, 32, grew up with dreams of meeting prince charming, having a few kids and living happily ever after.  But, roughly 42 percent of African American women have never been married—and Rivers is one of them.

“When I reached my late twenties, I began to wonder when is it going to happen?” she says. “I watched friends get married, fall in love, and I wondered why my time hadn’t come. Then I realized I was on a journey toward love, but it didn’t involve anyone else.”

Rivers’ new book, Journey to Self; Journey to Love, is a collection of personal poems, thoughts, and blog entries from her journey through love.

“This book portrays a young woman crossing over from the confusion of adolescence to the responsibility of womanhood–with a sense of self-knowledge,” she says. “In my search for love, I’ve continued to make a full circle back to myself and my Creator. Some of the stories are sad and some funny, but all are worth sharing.”

Journey to Self; Journey to Love is available for $13.99 on Authorhouse.com or $14.99 at Barnes & Noble and on Amazon.com.

“When blogging first became popular, I would post my reflections and thoughts about love and dating,” she says.  “I received a lot of positive feedback. People were inspired and could relate. They suggested that I document what I was posting.  So I did, and it became my book; sort of like a journal.”

Rivers says writing the book was liberating as she faced inner struggles and learning to love herself.

“Through the book, I was able to move forward without dwelling on failed relationships and develop new, healthy relationships. This book is geared more toward single women; but it is also for anyone who wants to discover or re-discover how to love their own person, love God and love others.”

With so many love and relationship books on the market, Rivers says authenticity makes her book stand out.

“I keep it real!” she said.  “I do not sugarcoat how it feels to be single. I do not sugarcoat what single women go through in finding ourselves and navigating through dating and relationships.  I’m not afraid of the truth; it is what sets me free.”

For Rivers, Journey to Self; Journey to Love is just the beginning.

“I’m working on the Self-Love Handbook as a follow-up book,” she said.  “It is more of a guidebook than a tell-all. I am also working on a possible fiction book and a screenplay.”

Follow Rivers’ blog on http://drrae.wordpress.com, www.twitter.com/raeluvs2write, www.youtube.com/drraelovecoach.

I Didn’t Get the Memo…

Seven months…that’s how long I’ve known my “love interest”, newly titled “love friend”.  We have surpassed the 90 day mark; see previous post regarding the probationary period, and we are now in the grace period of said “no title phase”.  What is the memo that I didn’t receive you ask?  While I thought we were getting closer to the serious phase, meanwhile boo’s mind is far from thinking about an exclusive relationship with me.  Contrastingly, it has been discussed that he doesn’t want to necessarily hear about my relationships/dates with other guys, which have become non-existent circa a month and a half ago; but feels that he couldn’t object to those relationships since we are not together.  So I was definitely in agreement with that about a month ago when I still had other candidates on the brain, but up until about a month ago, I was in “diss” mode toward other men; where I subconsciously created a serious relationship in my own mind (I have a boyfriend, do I??).  In the midst of what boo was saying; I didn’t hear what he wasn’t saying that like him basically I can’t get upset if he is still seeing other people; but somewhere in there I thought we had a conversation where he said that he wasn’t really seeing anyone else.  My how the tide changes within weeks I’m assuming…we are all entitled to change our minds due to life or whatever contingencies.  He’s a guy, I shouldn’t have expected him to say that if some other young lady or circumstance came along that out of convenience or whatever hormones that he wouldn’t satisfy the urge to indulge himself in said new female.  We are not together remember?
Where did I go wrong initially, I didn’t believe him 7 months ago when he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship?  Did I think I could change him?  Did I think I was the one to help him forget about the last woman who hurt him?  I am not God…clearly I’m not…not trying to be either.  Did I not think that I would begin to have feelings for him?  Honestly, we were both in vulnerable states emotionally when we met.  So now what?  Where do we go from here?  We are not on the same page.  I’m looking for growth in a relationship that has become stagnant.  I can say that I want to be in a committed relationship, with him or just in a relationship?  Both.  Well, the him I’ve created in my head; not necessarily the him who in reality; no longer has time or makes time for, love, lunch, texting, talking or me.  Let’s just face it; I’m no longer the best thing since sliced bread or that new toy on Christmas Day.  Who am I and who have I become to him?  A friend?  The verdict is out on that one.  We have a friendship, yes…this is called the gray zone.  Regardless of what it is, the memo involves seeing and spending time with other people; and now I have to figure out how to mainstream myself back into the society of dating…

 I bought a book “The Breakup Book: A Girl’s Guide to Putting the Pieces Back Together”.  I know what you’re thinking, what?!  How is it that you’re broken up with someone you weren’t even with?  And aren’t you supposed to be the “Love Doctor”?  Yes, I am here to help you and give advice; seldom do I take my own advice.  This valley with my love friend feels like a breakup, and I decided to seek out some help on re-charging the blow to my ego.  The author, Diane Mastromarino., is giving me basically the same info that I give you, but sometimes I need to hear someone else say it.  Same message different messenger.  Besides, the book is funny and a short read only 47 pages with some great quotes.

I have to do whatever works, and what I had been doing between now and last month was unhealthy and could possibly ruin the gray zone of this potential relationship.  This is why it’s important not to put a time cap on love.  We have all kinds of baggage to sort through.  Women and men both come with bags in the post-30 dating world; and this is the reality of the situation.  We are not always going to be on the same page at the same time.  You can love someone and not like them…is this making any sense?  It’s helping me; because I’ve been giving this guy a hard time so I need to share my woes with a whole blog society rather than continue to send him texts about how I don’t understand why he wants to see other women; or whatever he’s doing that’s keeping him from being in a serious relationship with me.  He made a good point that being with me and cheating on me would be an option…wow! So true and we are too old for that! 

In all truth, I’m blessed to call him friend and grateful for his honesty.  This memo has been well received…
Will I see him again you ask, even without a commitment?  Is this worth riding out just a little bit longer?  Stay tuned…     

Love & Hip Hop: Growing up in the 90s/Early 2000s & Learning about Love & Sex

Now here’s something I’ve been wanting to address for some time now.  I was duly inspired last weekend while hanging out at one of StL’s newest, black-owned, hot spots Soho in the Grove.  I was with my cousins and friends celebrating my best first cousin’s bday.  We are all officially in the 30 & up club; never even imagined this day would come when we were pretending to be and wanting to be grown while still playing with our Barbie dolls at age 13…shhh, don’t tell anyone.  That’s when we weren’t learning the “Doo Doo Brown” (a dance…yuck) at the skating rink on the weekends, circa the 90s at Saints Roller Rink.  Why was the name Saints? Idk, because I’m not sure what type of Saints we were becoming on Saturday and Sunday nights as teenagers back in the day learning to back it up.  All in fun right?!  Those were the days…
Anywho, the music at Soho last Saturday definitely gave me the creative juice to go on and get this long overdue post out.  We are now turning into our parents as the DJ played some Lil Kim, Puffy, and Biggie (Junior Mafia).  We were jamming, drinking, and eating; reminiscing about the good ol’ days, and the skating rink, and talking about how kids today don’t know; and that music today is not what it was when we were in our teens and 20s.  (we’re so old now right?) lol!  So this Love & Hip Hop post is not about some reality show that I don’t know much about because I don’t watch a whole lot of TV (junk).  This is about real life and the impact the 90s and early 2000s music made on us, the adolescents of that time period, regarding love and sexuality.

My underlying theme ultimately concerns the role the female rappers/MCs of that age played; and how there really isn’t that type of representation existing today.  Am I so much under a rock that I don’t know what’s going on in the world (my cousin says I’m the oldest young person), and who is repping for the ladies these days?  Or am I just growing up and I can’t keep up with the fast-paced music industry?  There was a time when I couldn’t miss a “beat”; not really a “hip-hop head” per se, but I have an older brother and somehow I was able to keep up more in my teens and 20s.  I could add the title DJ (DJ Raechie Raech to be exact…corny, I know) to my list of hats pre-30, but I guess life changes have set me back; or it may just be my own personal evolution.
Back to the scene at Soho:  So the music is playing, and you know the song by the intro of the baseline…you hear that familiar voice screeching “Big Booty Ho3$ hump with it”!  We get excited and commence to putting a hump in our backs and shaking our booties!  The shot of patron has officially kicked in by this time.  :-)  Yes!  That voice was Uncle Luke and his 2 Live Crew, “you ain’t nothin but a hoochie mama, hood rat hood rat, hoochie mama”.  Sort of embarrassing huh?  Not really, the night is becoming very nostalgic thus far; this is the music we grew up on and learned to “pop that thang to”. LBVS!!!!  So all the 30 and up guys are like really?  Laughing and enjoying all the booties popping and shaking.  They’re thinking you don’t know this music, “you were five when this song was out”.  No, I was like 13 or 15 (no one believes I’m over 30).  I was probably about 14 or so; this song is from the movie Friday, Ice Cube’s first film production, #classic!  His girlfriend in the movie was truly a Hoochie Mama, this was her theme music.  Funny stuff!  So while Uncle Luke was teaching us how to shake those ti!!ties and “pop that coochie”, who was representing for the ladies to combat all the trash talking stripper music?
We had the greats, the veterans of the game, ie, Salt-n-Peppa, Queen Latifah, Queen B. aka Lil Kim, Missy Elliott, TLC (Left Eye); yeah, I should have stuck to the plan of being crazy, sexy, and cool; the next crazy Left Eye…had I tried to focus on writing rhymes while writing poetry *wink*, Foxy Brown, Trina, Da Brat, Mia X, Eve…did I leave any women out?  These ladies held it down and liberated us during a time when the rap game was and still is heavily male-dominated.  They empowered us.  They taught us that we could be just as tough as the guys; they taught us the rules of the “game”.  The end of the nineties and crossing over into the 2000s was liberating and empowering for women as we began to embrace being single, independent women rising to positions of power economically, socially, and intellectually.

Socially speaking especially regarding our sexuality, these women held the torch showing us to take control of our bodies (and protect them if we were going to decide to get down with someone) in fighting against the trash talking men.  Men who celebrated having fun, and living the lifestyle of a pimp with hoes, which demeans women.  I remember one of Mia X’s songs where she said “who the playa, who the pimp, who the mack, we need some elbow room we need some elbow room, no sweat”. And this became the theme song for one of the many cliques we created as young ladies growing up.  The P.A.N.E.Y (Pimpin’ All Ns Even Yours) clique. This was the time for us to embrace ourselves as sisters fighting against young boys who thought they were playas.  All in fun right?!  Getting numbers at the skating rink *wink*.  Who and what were we pimpin?  Not a thing! What did we even really know about pimpin?  What could the kids today be doing?  It’s all different now with the influx of technology.  We had pagers, for what?  LOL!  They have cell phones, video messaging, and the Internet…wow!

But Mama Mia was angry on those tracks at some of the real life situations that she had seen and been through.  Wasn’t that was music was about?  Being able to convey real messages about life?  Where are we today in portraying real life through music or is it all about the party tracks?  So the young ladies today have Nicki Minaj…I respect the game, but uh, yeah to talk about Nicki Minaj would require another blog post on how I really feel.  As I watched the BET awards this year, she had no other competition.  Where are the female rappers?  What did we lose in what we gained in expressing our sexuality?  Are we afraid to speak out about the real issues that bug us about men through music; beyond R&B I mean?  Society can’t handle the real issues that need to be addressed; so we continue to show the foolery on TV like (Love & Hip Hop and Basketball Wives).  Additionally, our music continues to broadcast nonsense through the radio that inherently just keeps our booties shaking.  What messages are we sending?  And how are we being empowered?

By the time I reached college, I was full of “swag” regarding my understanding of the game.  It didn’t matter who or what guys liked me, I was going for whoever I liked.  This is what I somehow learned, that women could treat men the way they treated us.  “Pimpin”, but what was lost in that type of mentality?  Now that I’m post-30 and ready to settle down, I am gaining a true understanding of what it means for a guy to really like you and court you.  That’s what a real man is supposed to do.  He is not to treat you like a notch on his belt.  You are not supposed to pursue him.  You have to, as my big Sis Angie says “sit on the porch and wait for him”.  It was fun dating and being liberated, and having NSA (no strings attached) relationships, but that does not get you to the ultimate goal of becoming a girlfriend or wife.  There are women who have seen both sides of the coin.  No one wants to be a dumb girlfriend whose man is cheating on her with every round-away girl in town.  And no one wants to be the side-chick.  Everyone at some point wants to be number 1.  I know I do!  There are some men who will even settle for being your “Boyfriend #2”.  Keyword settle.

Where do we go from here?  Learn from the veterans who are all chillin’ somewhere because they’ve sown their oats, had kids, gotten married, the whole 9.  I want the young ladies to understand that we can’t act like men or attempt to treat them the way some of them attempt to treat us.  Being a player is not in style and not cute in the age of STDs, etc.  The player will be played.  As far as rap and someone to represent the ladies, I sincerely hope that Nicki Minaj and whoever is to become the next big “IT” girl after her realize how much power they have lyrically to influence the minds of young women…and that the bulk of influence goes beyond the size of our butts!  Again I ask, what message are we sending today?

(to be continued…)

I Have a Boyfriend!!! Do I???

Okay, there are two issues here that I need to address today. 1) That awkward phase when you are dating someone but you are technically not with them; let’s call it the “no title phase” & 2) Guys who you are not attracted to or interested in hitting on you. 

First things first; the no title phase is super awkward because you are seeking definition for this new relationship that has blossomed beyond the 90 day mark (see previous post above).  While you haven’t quite attained the sought after “girlfriend” title, you have realized that this man is worth keeping around to find out if the love bud the two of you share will grow into full bloom.  As you continue to nurture this new relationship, the feelings you had for the old candidates begin to fade.  Contrastingly, your zeal for seeking new ones is beginning to dwindle.  Wow!  Yes, even in the summertime!  Is this what the post-thirty journey has in store?  Maybe.  Looks like everyone is either settling down and/or having children; getting divorced; or working on their second marriages.  I’m just sayin!  So where do you and your possible beaux fit in?  “What is your title?”  Remember, you don’t have one.  One of you may be starting to feel the itch of “let’s make this thing official” while the other is still taking it slow because of fear, baggage, or just not ready to be locked in yet.  So no, you don’t have a boyfriend despite the delusions you have conjured up in your head; which brings me to point number two.

 So what do you tell the guys who you are not attracted to or interested in about your relationship status?  I don’t know about you, but I am tired of coming up with excuses for them!  LOL!  Boo doesn’t know this, but when it comes to talking to men that I don’t like, I am claiming him hands down! It is hilarious and I crack myself up!  Hey, an imaginary boyfriend works for me when some slick talking sugar daddy, or some short guy (sorry), or some ultra confident guy (who may not be so attractive to me) comes with the game.  It’s becoming “sickening”.  Beauty is a gift and a curse.  I am tired of explaining my single status in defense of being pretty, over the age of thirty, and single.  Is there something wrong with that?  No!  Like, this is not the 50s, geez!  I mean, if I’m so special and such a catch, doesn’t that mean that I just can’t be with anyone?  I want to be with the right someone; the one who is just for me and someone to compliment me inside and out.  Okay, I’m off of that soapbox.

 So what are the rules of engagement or non-engagement *wink* of the no title phase?  Are there any specific rules?  Can you still see or date other guys who you do find attractive?  Should you still be in communication with old boos/lovers?  I’d say, don’t discount any new catches that you meet because during this awkward phase, your post-90 day man is still trying to figure out who he really wants you to be in his life; if he hasn’t already figured that out.  But, what I’m saying is that you are young, vibrant, and beautiful and if a guy you find attractive, mentally, physically, or spiritually wants to take you out for a bite to eat, go for it!  I don’t highly suggest hooking up with old flames because they can make things confusing.  Old feelings and issues may arise and you will remember why the old relationship didn’t work out.  That discretion is totally up to you.  I’m sure there are some who have found out that with an old flame, the time you spent before with this person was indeed bad timing.  It is up to the individual to weigh the old situation with the new love.  Which person do you believe would be better for you?  Only you can decide.  Pray about it.  Seek discernment.  There will always be a risk factor in matters of the heart; and if you are serious about giving your heart away, you will take the risk.  Attempting to be a play-girl or serial dater all your life will not get you to your ultimate goal of becoming a girlfriend or wife.  (If that’s your goal). 

 As I always suggest, this journey is more about you than it is the guys anyway.  There are tons of options to weigh and things to do while waiting for your imaginary “boyfriend” to come to his senses and realize that you are the one!  Don’t play too much with those other candidates because you don’t want to create any bad karma.  Definitely have fun getting to know yourself and others.  Some of those new guys could turn out to become some of your best friends and honesty is always forthright.  Other people that you all are dating or involved with make for good table talk over dinner and drinks.  Have fun and Happy Summer!  Smoochez!! 

90 Days Probation: New Boo Is Your New Hire

So you are still high off of the fresh new Boo you met a couple months ago…or are you?  Well, this is still the probationary period.  Let me tell you how it goes down:
The 1^st 30 days:

He is fine, intelligent, has some money or knows how to get it.  This man has swept you off of your feet (showin it out) in the first two weeks, ten days to be exact, of knowing him.  You have the ultimate connection.  He listens when you speak; he adores you.  Y’all tweetin, talkin’, textin’, and Facebookin.  (The technology age).  The only part you heard God say was “be fruitful and multiply”; not that “fornicators wouldn’t see the kingdom of heaven”.  And you for dang sure didn’t listen to Steve Harvey when he told you to “Act Like a Lady, and Think Like Man”; something about “no cookies for 90 days”.  Since you didn’t put your cookies on ice or in the freezer or whatever, these first 30 days are like a Las Vegas wedding and honeymoon.  Quick, fun, and easy!  Pun intended!  *wink* So the rose-colored glasses are on, and he can do no wrong.  All is well!  Plenty of dates, plenty of communication, plenty of cookies and desserts to go around because he made it clear that “you don’t need a man, you need a champion”! (Eat, Pray, Love)  So your 90 days is clearly going to be different than the ones Steve, Granny, God and Momma prepped you for.  You 2012 women just make your own rules…no wonder we have less marriages and more sperm donors these days.  I’m just sayin, don’t shoot the messenger!

The 2^nd 30 days:

You have become an online stalker trying to figure out Boo’s patterns, other women (potentials), and where he is when he’s not at work or with you; if he is some sort of “FB or Twitter whore”.  He’s still a gentleman explaining that those forms of social media are purely for entertainment; which he owes you no explanation because he’s not your man.  You are still on probation; remember because while you are putting your new hire to the test he’s also testing you Chica!  He has to change it up a little, and keep you guessing, because that’s what they do.  I mean, sister, you are supposed to be doing the same you know.  It’s so romantic to get caught up and give your all, but everyone, you and your beaux, loves a challenge.  So now you are feeling leery or a certain kind of way about Boo and your relationship.  It’s still a relationship/friendship; you just don’t have a commitment/title.  Boo has to find out where the crazy woman within you resides and what he can do to expose her, usually unintentionally (because I don’t really think guys think or strategize as much as we attempt to when it comes to dating).  Because in the first 30 days, both of your representatives showed up to Woo and Wow each other   Now, Mr. New New is working, busy, with friends and family, etc; no time for talking on the phone; and minimal texts and tweets.  Wth?  Now what you gonna do girl?  Is he seeing someone else?  Is he really working or where he says he is?  Why is he not showing it out anymore?  You are thinking “this man has got it twisted!  He doesn’t really know me huh?  I can’t expose the crazy, insecure woman.  I’m too grown for that.”  So needless to say, your next 30 days is going to be interesting.  Since you didn’t listen to the advice of your elders, and you didn’t hear me out in “Journey to Self, Journey to Love”; this is how it must go down:

3^rd month with your New Hire:
Because you were lost in the ideal of love, you neglected friends, family, and old Boos (and some of the new candidates who had been trying to get at you).  Now you have to come out of hiding, save face, and re-strategize.  New Boo may not be seeing someone else, he may really be busy working on his Master Plan, but where do you fit in with his schedule? (or maybe he just realized that he enjoys being single and not having to report to anyone; he’s not ready for a commitment; the relationship is still in its infancy)  Okay, so now you need a schedule, which you should have had in the first place, but we all come into these situations at different points in our lives, which is the beauty of it.  Some of us are work-a-holics and some of us may be unemployed.  So what to do while waiting for Boo?  You have to do what you didn’t do in the first 30 days when you dove head first into the sea of much-needed romance.  I have said it a thousand times; make yourself busy girl!  You don’t have to write a book, but there are tons of constructive things you can do rather than destructive.  Human Ego nature will want to call up those old Boos to go on dates, because the one you’d rather be with now has limited time to date you.  I mean keeping your options open is always an option right?  You are not in a committed relationship.  How will your new love feel about this?  Does he have to know?  It really depends on how you feel about him.  Does he make you want to “shut down your operation”?  Then calling the old loves is not the best decision.  If they call you, cool but there is a reason why you are no longer involved with that person.  We move forward not backward.  Ya know?  You definitely need to check in with your girls and get out and have a good time; and although you are not looking for someone new, you are probably going to attract someone new; which can be fun, but remember you have someone new in your life, who you happen to really like, and he is still on probation.  He has 30 more days to show you what the deal is.  I’m not saying that you are going to get the coveted relationship title in 90 days, but this does seem to be a great way to measure who this person is to you and in what capacity you would like him to be in your life;  and how long he wants you in his life.  You also have to remember that we all bring a certain amount of baggage to new relationships.  What happened with your last love interest?  Are you ready for a commitment?  What happened in his last relationship?  Is he ready?

Healing from past loves takes time.  If this man is worth it, you will give him an extension and grace period.  As women, we have to remember to stay in our lanes.  Never try to wear the pants in the relationship.  Show him that you are the smart, beautiful, prize that he first met; not by acting out on Twitter, not by serial texting him about his Twitter, but just by being you…it’s like when you first meet a man and he expresses his interest in you.  Somehow, me being the “Queen of Hearts” and Love Doctor that I am, I have ingrained in my Soul that there is something extra that I have to do to get and keep my man.  The truth, there is nothing that we “have” to do.  The desperate energy of women today is leading us to believe that there is a shortage of men, and that we are in a competition especially with the reality, “non-reality” shows on the snooze tube.  But I don’t buy into that…I know I’m a prize and should operate as such.  A real man, no a champion will recognize your beauty, grace, and confidence.  That’s how you attract and keep him.  All you have to do is show up!  Let him pursue you…let him show you the champion he is; if he is one; let him move mountains for you!  You are a woman…be treated and carry yourself as such!  You may be “a fool for love”, but you ain’t no fool…

So in the last 30 days, will you and your new love interest Fizzle or Sizzle?  Will you keep your new hire around for permanent employment?  Does he want the job?  He will let you know by his actions…and if not, you will have to take new applications.  Simple?  Not always, but life is short and three months of your life should be enjoyed in this process.  If he is a champion, and he decides that he wants you, he knows that the clock is ticking…I wish him luck! 

Race & Dating Matters: Man Is Still Man

Please don’t be mistaken; men are men.  There is something intrinsic about them, quite strange, where they feel they have been designed to hunt and conquer you.  Even once you land your man, ie marry, or get that sought after relationship title; it seems that you can’t show him that you are all in…this we’ve heard our elders say, and this we know from experience.  We must move away from the stereotypes such as “white men marry, with foreigners you don’t have to work, and with black men you do have to work”, blah blah blah!  Each man has his own personality and specific desire of his ideal woman.  He will let you know if you are his “Dream Girl”; he will show you.  Words are becoming so played out these days…we look for the actions to line up with the heart of a man.  So despite race…man is still man…you just be the beautiful, smart, and confident woman that you are…and don’t chase down love…you may chase him away…

While I’m on this notion that man is still man, please don’t become so blind-sided by the ideal of love that you miss the fact that we are living in some harsh times of dark energy.  Meaning, woman, Sistas, and all of my Sisters of every race…pray, pray, pray!  You don’t want to attract a man who only wants a piece of you because of your race or skin color; how shallow.  Unfortunately, there are still some guys out here like that.  We must pray for discernment with any man to find out his true intentions with us.  He may only be looking for a good time; he may have no real intentions of being with you.  He may just want to say that he’s been with a (insert race) woman.  He may be carrying his own stereotypes, like “a black woman will rock his world; a white woman will do anything in the bedroom”, and I don’t know what they’re saying about all my other Sisters of other races; “Asian women are here to serve”.  Please be careful ladies!
The other extreme is men who only want to date you because you all are not the same race.  These men possess self-hatred and prejudice against their own people, which is a learned behavior.  Recently, one of my mom’s friends called to attempt to hook me up with a young man who believes that “black women are trashy”.  Wow!  So you are talking about your mother too I assume.  So now he wants to date white women.  I’m sorry but there are trashy women of all races out here.  So I guess she wanted him to meet me so that he can change his perspective; but I don’t want any parts of the re-education of this lost young man.  Maybe he can just read this blog post. Additionally, people seem to be living in a fear zone of some post-racism war, which mind you never ended decades ago.  Things became hush hush; Affirmative Action became popular for a stint; and Black athletes have been coined as the new 40 Million Dollar Slave.  Furthermore, in the sports and entertainment industry, White and foreign women have been impressed upon these men; that these women are better than black women, which further promotes self-hatred and prejudice.  Black women picked up on this vibe in the media and entertainment incurring the same belief system and losing our own self-love; longing to look more like a woman of European, Brazilian, or other descent; anything but African.  I digress but as I stated earlier, prejudice of self and others is a learned behavior.  We either get it from home; from our own people; or from society and the media.

I am very proud of my brothers and sisters who banded together Nationwide to tell America that a half Mexican, half White police officer had no right to harass and kill a young black boy and get away with it.  Justice was served; and we still have a long way to go.  My own personal voice will continue writing for the promotion of peace and self-love; love of God, who lives in you; and love of others.  How can we love God and not love each other?  We are fighting a spiritual war; and “blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God”.