Monthly Archives: June 2009

The Best Kiss Ever…

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I can’t even remember feelin’ this way about anyone…since I’ve met you I don’t want anyone else…you must have put a spell on me…I can’t stand not being around you…but I think I’ve fallen in love with you…your Spirit…and your Soul…when you kiss me…I swear I melt…your lips taste so good to me…I wanna be able to kiss you forever…is that selfish of me? I think that you were made for me…I hope this is not an illusion…if so, I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts…why is that when I think about you I get so emotional? Tears come to my eyes…I can’t explain it…but I know that when I’m with you…and when I think about you…something comes over me…something Supernatural…like I’ve made contact with another world…if this is love…this is new for me…I’m drunk…and high off of you…is this feeling enough to sustain the distance…the good and the bad? I hope you feel it too…I pray for you…I pray all your dreams and desires come to pass in your life…that I’m someone you could share your life with…you think you could grow old with me? Have we already done so in another life? I’m so glad we found each other…kiss me…kiss me…and never stop…I’m yours forever…

Developing a Thick Skin

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I swear me having a BIG EGO is not an overstatement!! I have to laugh at myself sometimes…LOL 😉 You ever just feel like “I’m the SHIT” so why isn’t such and such giving me the play. The truth here is that the such and such I speak of is someone who I never should have given the “play”. In an effort to continue whatever we started, I have called and texted. I was successful in my pursuit too…but let’s just say that when the night ended, baby I was going home alone…hilarious to me…but it’s okay…my Ego, let’s call her “Latrece” just for fun and laughs…was hurt, devastated and shocked…not to mention no real companionship in three weeks (if you know what I mean)…almost four now…SMH…by choice of course…you know when you choose…you choose because the options are always present…I think…that’s Latrece talking again.

I’m going to make this one short today…so over the weekend I learned “when it’s over it’s over”. It doesn’t matter what you do…if someone is done fooling with you, they are just done…I now understand why Jazmine Sullivan busted the windows out the fellas car…I know how that feels to want to do just that…but watch out for Karma ladies…Have you ever found yourself cussing out someone on his voice mail or sending threatening text messages? With no return calls or texts? OMG…that was me…at the end of the day when you go home and lay it down…turn off your phone and wake up to a new day you realize okay…I’m cool now…I feel better now…everything for a reason. Makes me wanna delete this brother from my phone…I swear…

At the end of the day though…a host of rejection experiences have allowed me to develop a very thick skin…those who know me best know my sensitivities…but I’ve been through so much now in dating relationships that I’m like…I’m strong enough to withstand almost anything…anything that anyone tries to do to me…shoot has already been done…WOW! I just look back over my young adult life and just don’t even know or understand how I made it through…and how I’m still here…still hoping and believing that LOVE is still possible for me!! Let me tell you though…when God is the SOURCE anything is possible…I’m DIVINELY healed as well! Isn’t it amazing how God can just allow you to go through the fire and come out shining like pure gold?! So I thank and praise Him for that…and am learning to not sweat the small stuff…let my Ego go and know that what’s best for me is on the way…so all the JERKS have to be removed…Mr. Right Now can kick rocks!! LOL!

Blessings to you all!!

–Rae

It Hurts…

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Call me emotional, but it hurts when…

You don’t call when you say you will…
When you don’t return my phone calls…
When you don’t text me back…
When you don’t make it your business to see me…

It just hurts a little…just a little sting because what I want and what’s reality doesn’t line up.
It hurts to know that I made some sacrifices all because I wanted to see you and be with you…
But you were too “busy” to notice or care…

It just hurts a little…just a little sting…

When I think about you all day everyday and even see you in my dreams…and still no sign of you.
It hurts because I choose not to make a fool of myself and keep trying to contact you…
It just hurts that I can’t even talk to you when I want to…
It hurts because I still don’t know you and you still don’t know me, yet I gave myself to you…

My body, my mind, my time…and my heart…I felt so connected…started to get that Soul Mate feeling…but what did you feel?
I don’t know…maybe you thought I was a “joke” or joking…

So it just hurts a little…just a little sting…

Distant Lover

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I think I’m gaining an understanding of having my heart stolen, captured, and left in another city or cities. Have you ever felt this way? This feeling of wanting to be with someone who is thousands of miles away…It’s like being sprung…in one sense, being single means just love locally or date locally or enjoy being with the one or ones who are close to you…but love knows no boundaries…when you love someone or we’ll just say extremely like, you want to be with, talk to that person everyday in every way you can…despite boundaries. Do some people shy away from distant relationships because of this feeling? Create a sense of detachment out of fear of not being able to get to the one they want to be with. I haven’t felt this way in a long time…just giving up the locals for someone distant…how does this happen? I think for women it’s easier to give up the locals more so than men, but I may be wrong 😉 “If you can’t have the one you love, love the one you’re with”…sounds like something a man would say…would you truly be happy in doing so? Or maybe that song actually means, you better love who loves you…but ok, I’m seeking something mutual here…lol So the other day, I decided to listen to some Marvin Gaye. “Distant Lover” this song explains it all…I mean it sounds like he had a summer love, and they had to depart from one another. Seasonal lovers…it’s like trying to turn a season into a lifetime. So as we continue to search or not search for love…which in actuality throughout this journey we continuously learn about ourselves and ultimately if we did not possess that self love, find “that” in the search. Inherently, the lesson is to not give your heart away too soon…some type of trust and understanding of communication should be established first…in situations near or far.

So I am learning, but I also see why it takes some people a long time to trust, love, or give away their hearts. I’m not saying not to love or trust, but when you do love so freely, openly, honestly, everyone is not ready to or doesn’t receive it…so you can love by letting them go or developing a sense of detachment…only a detachment that protects yourself but does not hurt others’ feelings. It can be a catch 22. The lesson: love yourself…sounds overrated, but it is true…when you love yourself, it doesn’t matter what someone does or doesn’t do to you or for you. You have already taken care of yourself…

Hmm…in loving someone who is distant or being/acting distant, one may wonder, what is the point of loving or having someone who you can’t be with or see or talk to? Again, I guess the point is more so to learn about yourself. There is something called a “love language”. We don’t all possess the same one. Someone who is acting distant may just have a different love language than you. Okay so that’s a positive. In my mind, I’m thinking…”if he doesn’t call/text…stalk or etc. everyday, something is wrong with him…should I take a hint…he doesn’t love me or let alone like me”…but it’s like when we’re together…everything is perfect and roses or when we do talk…so there is definitely something off in the communication…or maybe I’m just reading too much into what seems to me like a lack of communication. Now if the stalker was someone that I didn’t like, then I’d be annoyed…a catch 22. Kind of a sad situation because I want things to be one way, but in the reality of my mind they are this way…long distance…not committed…hmm…don’t talk/text everyday…detached. Again what’s the point or purpose?

Maybe I’m void in the department of self-love, which is why I seek an outside source of love…hmmm? Ok, just maybe…maybe I need to re-focus, change my focus. Again, just let this person go…allow them to be free and to communicate their love language to me or not…I’ve already communicated mine…even if they don’t care, don’t receive and are not listening. Do I change or alter my love language? Feel bouts of sadness from having withdrawals of him? Find someone else to love? The answer to these questions is NO!! Be yourself, cheer up, and love you!! Change takes time, but we must work on it everyday. Self-improve…read, work out, stay busy, work on career, hang with family and friends, date others (if you’re feeling up to it)…there’s a lot to do while sitting around waiting for the one you love to call…the one who already knows how you feel about him…I am not one to hide my feelings, but I can’t control what someone does with that info. I don’t know his reaction. He says that the feelings are mutual, but I don’t see that in his actions.

Again, I’m learning…more so about me than anything or anyone else…my aim is to be free from all of my anxieties…to get through this process and come out loving myself more…knowing myself best…expecting the best in life and from others…but also with the reality that things happen and that I can’t change someone and that regardless of what I do or say, people are going to be and do themselves anyway with or without my love. Right now, I’m reluctant to start anything new or rekindle anything old. I’m not up for it. I just want to do me…and work on me…I know that I’ve fallen in love with someone…but is it really love…okay so I won’t say in love, but that I do love someone…again though…”if it isn’t love, then say what it is” lol…another song. Seriously, it may feel like love, but it could be infatuation…the opposite would be unconditional love which involves the ability of sacrifice…would I give this person a lung…an arm…a kidney…whoa!! So maybe it’s not love…it’s a good feeling, but not when it’s not reciprocated the way I expect it. So I would like to see where these feelings lead me with this person…maybe it will just be “history” or something to go in the “friend” file…which is okay with me right now 😉 It hurts a little…but who said that growing had to feel good…I know that I will look back on these experiences a changed woman…a “grown” woman…a wise woman…and someone who is at peace about my life for choosing to not harden my heart despite what people do or don’t do.

"Divine Appointments"

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I believe in “Divine Appointments”. My Life Mentor first introduced me to this concept. Divine appointments can occur in relationships with family and friends, love relationships as well as people you don’t know (those you meet in passing or those you meet for the first time)…have some of us unknowingly entertained angels ;-)? Divine appointments are unplanned events/meetings with people…Regarding love relationships, this can be a joyous time! It’s like really liking someone, wanting to see them or talk to them and they walk by or call! It’s like praying and searching for your soul mate, and meeting him or her the next day. God and our Angels set these things in motion…whether this person is here for a season or a lifetime, they come into your life for a purpose…it is something that you can feel in your soul. You know what you need, and they are there to provide it…it could be in conversation, exchange of ideas, healing, networking…you name it…you learn something in all these divine appointments.

I have been encountering several of these lately…with many people…not just love interests. I have also been getting in tune with my Angels. Google Doreen Virtue and you will know what I’m talking about. Our angels will help us bring desires to pass. Regarding love, I’ve often gone in with “rose-colored” glasses on…hmm…doesn’t that feel like the best of times? It is important to maintain communication with your love interest so that you will know if you are both on the same page. Lack of communication is one of the things that make dating and relationships so difficult. What happens when you take off your tinted shades? When all the truth is revealed? Will you be able to love unconditionally? Will you be able to let someone go if their season in your life has ended? We must pray everyday and hope for the best in our dating life, and constantly conduct self-checks. It’s like checking in with yourself and then checking in with your love interest. There is so much deception to look out for…you have to make sure that you are being real with yourself and real with others. The “love” feeling is definitely a scary one and a good one at the same time. We have to be able to love openly and accept truth. Enjoy Divine Appointments while they last and learn, learn, learn…and love, love, love…