Monthly Archives: March 2011

Ask Dr. Rae: “Why Am I Not Married Yet?”

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From February 26, 2011

Hey All!  One of my readers contacted me with this question.  And guess what?  He’s a 30 year old guy!  So I’ve decided to turn this into a blog response more so than an individual response to my friend.  We all, single people, find ourselves posing this question from time to time.  I’ll say that even as a guy, he has a right to ask this question.  My girlfriends and I discuss this topic often and we feel that it’s easier for guys than it is for women to get married.  Why?  Because traditionally the man is supposed to do all/most of the initiating in a relationship.  Sure I’ve thought about proposing…but that is crazy to me and unnatural for me.  I don’t think a woman should put herself out there like that…maybe that’s the old-fashioned girl mentality in me.  I wonder how my guy readers would feel about a woman proposing to him?  But let’s talk about the basics first; you have to be “in a relationship” first before you can consider or talk about marriage.  And we know from experience how difficult it can be just to get a serious commitment.

So let me break this down into 5 Principles that could be affecting why we are not married:

1)       You might not be ready.

You think you are ready, but really you are not.  On the other hand, you could think that you aren’t ready, but really you are.  For me personally, I desire to be married…just not today.  Now this has nothing to do with me “sowing royal oats”…that’s what my 20s were for.  I just have some work to do…work on my life purpose.  As you all know, I’m graduating from school this year with my second advanced degree.  So now, I’m preparing for work and to start building my life.  You may have already completed your education and could be well into an established life so now you think you’re ready, but this isn’t always the case.  Sometimes we carry around pain and heartache from past relationships that we don’t even realize we are carrying.  If we don’t release our past, it affects the way our future plays out.  We attract that which we are.  This is why the Self-Love journey is so important…to cleanse us from all past hurts.

2)       You don’t know what you want.

We all know what we don’t want in a Mate or relationship, but have we clearly defined what we do want.  I honestly feel that I’ve narrowed it down to my long list man!  LOL!  Once we decide what we want, we shouldn’t waver from that because this will send mixed messages to the Universe.  No one is perfect…but we definitely want someone who will be a mirror image (on the inside) of ourselves.  This may take some time to investigate who we really are as a person.  As we work on who we are, we will desire to see those same things in our Mate.  Write it down if you have to.  Create a Vision Board.  I’ve been working on mine this year.  It involves what I want for my career, wealth, health, love, etc; my ideal life and my ideal Mate.  By looking at this board (click on the link) everyday it helps me to believe in the manifestation of what/who I truly desire. 

3)       You may need a sabbatical.

For info on the sabbatical, go back and view what I wrote about my Un-Valentine’s Day.  Sometimes a sabbatical is in order.  If you know that you don’t just want or can’t handle a physical relationship…don’t go there, and don’t settle for the booty-call.  For me physical relationships have never manifested or lasted as real relationships.  Don’t feel bad about a sabbatical.  Hey, I’m on one right now…mainly because the one I truly desire is miles away…but there is a Divine Appointment and Divine Timing for every event that takes place in your life.  Trust the Universe and Trust God!  Sabbaticals are good for taking the time out to heal in between relationships…you get to know yourself better; you get closer to God if you are a spiritual person; and you also get to clearly define what you really want in a Mate and from a relationship. 

4)       Bad timing.

As I stated earlier, divine timing is everything.  There may be some other things that you need to focus on that being married may hinder you from completing.  You may have already met the person who you are going to marry, but the timing could be off…it is never wise to try and figure out why things aren’t occurring the way you want them to; your job is to figure out how you can heal and let the past go…and how you can truly live your life to the fullest with or without a Mate.  It sounds cliché’, but they say “it happens when you are not looking” or that you will “just know” when you’ve met this person.  It won’t be perfect when it happens, but it will be perfect for you and the other person. 

5)       It’s time to BELIEVE!

So now you are telling me, Dr. Rae, I’ve done all these things.  I’ve released the past; I know my life purpose; I know what I want; I’ve mastered myself; I’m ready so where is my Mate?  If you have implemented all of my suggestions, then it’s time for you to have unwavering faith.  It’s time for you to expect this person that you so desire to manifest into your life.  That’s it!!  Believe that you are worthy of this person.  Believe that this person is waiting for and looking for you too!

Let me add…while you are waiting, do not compare yourself and your relationship situations to those of your friends.  We all have our own life path to walk out with specific lessons to learn.  Your story may inspire someone else…your healing and heartache; and how you have overcome that may help someone else.

As I continue to become your personal Love Coach and Expert, I will be referencing some books and authors who also advocate the Self-Love walk.  Now is the time for us to heal…

After my book comes out, there will be no more free advice lol!  So get all your questions in now!  Thanks to all for participating and giving the Dr. something to do!  I love you all!

–Rae*

Note- My first response was extra-lengthy so I shortened it for blogging purposes.

 

Ask Dr. Rae: Compatibility

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From February 24, 2011

Hello lady, How are you?

I want to ask your opinion since you are writing books on relationships and loving yourself. Do you believe that there is a such thing as not being compatible or personalities clashing, or on the other hand you get along with who you try to get along with. Even though the two are different, they try to make it work, respect the other and compromise to get along. I would like to know your opinion.

Thanks

My Opinion:

Funny, I was just on the phone last night with one of my friends and I was referencing a book called the “5 Love Languages” (for Singles) there may be one for couples too.  I haven’t read it yet, but the title was convincing.  It talks about how we all love differently…and we actually want to be loved the way in which we show love…for example you could be an affectionate person, and that’s how you show love…so it would be difficult to be with a person who is not affectionate.  You would think they didn’t love you or something, but in fact…that’s just who they are…their love language could be a person who likes to give gifts.  And that’s how they equate love.

What I think and also what the author was saying…if we know that’s just how someone is…it’s okay to still love them…if we are willing to accept them the way they are, like you said, “make it work”.  I’m into the zodiac signs and compatibility; even in our casual or friend relationships we seem to gravitate or feel most comfortable around those who are most like us…ie. I’m a Libra and he’s a Libra etc…there are also other signs like Moon, etc that come into play as well…or We’re both Air signs Aquarius and Libra so we get along…

At the end of the day all of our compatibility assessments definitely make it easier…however, they shouldn’t always be our determining factor…I think that if two people are willing to make it work, and they really love each other then Love will always overrule…you know that I’m a hopeless romantic though 😉 

If the situation becomes or is too much to “make work”…then I think that the parties should go their seperate ways…and we also have to remember to pray and ask God for guidance at all times regarding our relationships.

Love,

Rae

 

 

Single & Ovulating: Post Menstrual Depression or Let’s Get It On?

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Now that I’m 30 there are so many more topics I can be very candid about; especially as I continue to study life, love, and myself.  So today I’m here to discuss Post Menstrual (Period) Depression (PMD).  We’ve all heard of PMS, but what about this touchy subject which concerns the time after a menstrual cycle when you ovulate.  Does this sound like you?

 1)      You are ready to “Get It On” like Marvin Gaye.

 2)      You don’t have a boyfriend (Man) or Husband, and because of feeling so good and extra on the inside, you are ready to get it on with the next man who walks by.

 3)       You are irrational (not even thinking clearly) because your body is saying one thing (it’s time to pro-create) but your mind is saying…you’re single and you’re 30, and you’re ready to settle down so having sex with the next man who walks by (animal instinct) would not be a great idea.

 4)      You are frustrated (depressed) because you really want to get it on, but not with just anybody; not the new guy; not the old guy; and not with the young guy who doesn’t practice safe sex; because you decided to stop taking your birth control pills since you’re not getting any…nights like this you wish you were married or at least in a serious relationship.     

 So, what do we do in the event of days like this…

 As I type this quick note, I’m actually on my way to take a very hot bath…I need to get my mind off of procreating…LOL!! So that my irrational body-mind does not try to sleep with the next man walking by…It’s perfectly natural to feel how you feel because hey, your body was designed to pro-create “be fruitful and multiply”, but in our human minds especially now that the 20’s have ended…we must be clear about bringing our desire of not wanting to be single into manifestation.  So here’s what you do on nights like this…

 1)      Take a hot bath.

 2)      Call your girlfriends and vent about the men you are “dating” or don’t presently have access to…discuss the fact that you are ovulating, but not quite ready for children or more children…and how you no longer want to be single especially on nights like this.

 3)      Randomly text your “boo” or all of your boos…past and present…this will help to alleviate the depression…and maybe clear up mis-understandings of why they are no longer in your life…I am way more confident and aggressive when I’m ovulating.  Go Figure!  Like a Lioness!  LOL!

 4)      If your boo is long-distance, be grateful for multi-media messages, but also be careful because this type of “freaky” picture sending may only frustrate you and him.

 5)      If you just can’t stand being alone during this week of being “fertile” and ready to make babies, you have my permission to make that booty call!  Can you believe the Love Doctor is giving you the okay?  OMG!  For heavens sakes, it’s natural so don’t condemn yourself.  Just be extra careful about who you decide to hook-up with.  a) Definitely don’t make it the next man who walks by…unless he meets your criteria.  b) You may want to call the guy who you know only wants to have sex with you; unless it’s already an unhealthy relationship that needs to end.  c) Please don’t call the under-aged young man who has been hitting on you and wants to treat you like “Stella”…you haven’t lost your groove yet, you are only 30 or so…d) Protect yourself…especially if you don’t want a baby or an STD by a “random” guy.   

 Okay folks…this is my keep it real topic of the day!  Take a big *sigh*, read a book, find something positive to do if you can avoid making any booty calls.  This too shall pass…and as long as you desire not to be single…it will manifest in due time.  Meanwhile…take care of yourself!

 –Love ya! 

 Oh yeah…and the men don’t have to know that you are ovulating unless you tell them…they will wonder why you are being extra flirty or have an attitude…not getting any works both ways…I’m sure we all prefer the flirty side!  😉  

 *Note- “Relations” is not always the equivalent of a “Relationship”; so know what you really want before you decide to make that call!

 **Use these guidelines once a month until you meet your “Mr. Right”, or you are ready to conceive; whichever occurs first! 🙂