Ask Dr. Rae: “Why Am I Not Married Yet?”


From February 26, 2011

Hey All!  One of my readers contacted me with this question.  And guess what?  He’s a 30 year old guy!  So I’ve decided to turn this into a blog response more so than an individual response to my friend.  We all, single people, find ourselves posing this question from time to time.  I’ll say that even as a guy, he has a right to ask this question.  My girlfriends and I discuss this topic often and we feel that it’s easier for guys than it is for women to get married.  Why?  Because traditionally the man is supposed to do all/most of the initiating in a relationship.  Sure I’ve thought about proposing…but that is crazy to me and unnatural for me.  I don’t think a woman should put herself out there like that…maybe that’s the old-fashioned girl mentality in me.  I wonder how my guy readers would feel about a woman proposing to him?  But let’s talk about the basics first; you have to be “in a relationship” first before you can consider or talk about marriage.  And we know from experience how difficult it can be just to get a serious commitment.

So let me break this down into 5 Principles that could be affecting why we are not married:

1)       You might not be ready.

You think you are ready, but really you are not.  On the other hand, you could think that you aren’t ready, but really you are.  For me personally, I desire to be married…just not today.  Now this has nothing to do with me “sowing royal oats”…that’s what my 20s were for.  I just have some work to do…work on my life purpose.  As you all know, I’m graduating from school this year with my second advanced degree.  So now, I’m preparing for work and to start building my life.  You may have already completed your education and could be well into an established life so now you think you’re ready, but this isn’t always the case.  Sometimes we carry around pain and heartache from past relationships that we don’t even realize we are carrying.  If we don’t release our past, it affects the way our future plays out.  We attract that which we are.  This is why the Self-Love journey is so important…to cleanse us from all past hurts.

2)       You don’t know what you want.

We all know what we don’t want in a Mate or relationship, but have we clearly defined what we do want.  I honestly feel that I’ve narrowed it down to my long list man!  LOL!  Once we decide what we want, we shouldn’t waver from that because this will send mixed messages to the Universe.  No one is perfect…but we definitely want someone who will be a mirror image (on the inside) of ourselves.  This may take some time to investigate who we really are as a person.  As we work on who we are, we will desire to see those same things in our Mate.  Write it down if you have to.  Create a Vision Board.  I’ve been working on mine this year.  It involves what I want for my career, wealth, health, love, etc; my ideal life and my ideal Mate.  By looking at this board (click on the link) everyday it helps me to believe in the manifestation of what/who I truly desire. 

3)       You may need a sabbatical.

For info on the sabbatical, go back and view what I wrote about my Un-Valentine’s Day.  Sometimes a sabbatical is in order.  If you know that you don’t just want or can’t handle a physical relationship…don’t go there, and don’t settle for the booty-call.  For me physical relationships have never manifested or lasted as real relationships.  Don’t feel bad about a sabbatical.  Hey, I’m on one right now…mainly because the one I truly desire is miles away…but there is a Divine Appointment and Divine Timing for every event that takes place in your life.  Trust the Universe and Trust God!  Sabbaticals are good for taking the time out to heal in between relationships…you get to know yourself better; you get closer to God if you are a spiritual person; and you also get to clearly define what you really want in a Mate and from a relationship. 

4)       Bad timing.

As I stated earlier, divine timing is everything.  There may be some other things that you need to focus on that being married may hinder you from completing.  You may have already met the person who you are going to marry, but the timing could be off…it is never wise to try and figure out why things aren’t occurring the way you want them to; your job is to figure out how you can heal and let the past go…and how you can truly live your life to the fullest with or without a Mate.  It sounds cliché’, but they say “it happens when you are not looking” or that you will “just know” when you’ve met this person.  It won’t be perfect when it happens, but it will be perfect for you and the other person. 

5)       It’s time to BELIEVE!

So now you are telling me, Dr. Rae, I’ve done all these things.  I’ve released the past; I know my life purpose; I know what I want; I’ve mastered myself; I’m ready so where is my Mate?  If you have implemented all of my suggestions, then it’s time for you to have unwavering faith.  It’s time for you to expect this person that you so desire to manifest into your life.  That’s it!!  Believe that you are worthy of this person.  Believe that this person is waiting for and looking for you too!

Let me add…while you are waiting, do not compare yourself and your relationship situations to those of your friends.  We all have our own life path to walk out with specific lessons to learn.  Your story may inspire someone else…your healing and heartache; and how you have overcome that may help someone else.

As I continue to become your personal Love Coach and Expert, I will be referencing some books and authors who also advocate the Self-Love walk.  Now is the time for us to heal…

After my book comes out, there will be no more free advice lol!  So get all your questions in now!  Thanks to all for participating and giving the Dr. something to do!  I love you all!


Note- My first response was extra-lengthy so I shortened it for blogging purposes.



About Dr. Rae

Raechel “Dr. Rae” Rivers was born, raised, and currently resides in St. Louis, Missouri. She has enjoyed creative writing since childhood, but her love of writing grew even stronger during her college years. “Dr. Rae” prides herself on being able to convey such “real” messages about the journey of love. Her words, racy at times, are what some readers need to hear; would not otherwise say, and appreciate for truth and honesty about love-life situations. “Journey to Self: Journey to Love” is her first self-published book printed by Authorhouse. She completed an Ed.S., Educational Specialist degree, in Curriculum and Instruction at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville in 2011; and is a world-renowned Writer, Entrepreneur, and Love Coach. Her life's mission involves encouraging women and young women of all ages to “work on you and love yourself just the way you are”. Raechel’s book, blog, and message on Self-Love have gained national and international popularity. As a result, she founded Embrace Enterprises and Publishing in 2012 to teach youth and adults about Self-Love and pursuing their purpose and passions. Her company’s motto is “Embrace You; A Lifestyle to Be You”. Additionally, Ms. Rivers also offers workshops on Writing, Publishing, Entrepreneurship, and one-on-one Love Coaching Sessions. She believes that “love is a journey where you go searching and ultimately find yourself”.

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