Monthly Archives: July 2012

I Have a Boyfriend!!! Do I???


Okay, there are two issues here that I need to address today. 1) That awkward phase when you are dating someone but you are technically not with them; let’s call it the “no title phase” & 2) Guys who you are not attracted to or interested in hitting on you. 

First things first; the no title phase is super awkward because you are seeking definition for this new relationship that has blossomed beyond the 90 day mark (see previous post above).  While you haven’t quite attained the sought after “girlfriend” title, you have realized that this man is worth keeping around to find out if the love bud the two of you share will grow into full bloom.  As you continue to nurture this new relationship, the feelings you had for the old candidates begin to fade.  Contrastingly, your zeal for seeking new ones is beginning to dwindle.  Wow!  Yes, even in the summertime!  Is this what the post-thirty journey has in store?  Maybe.  Looks like everyone is either settling down and/or having children; getting divorced; or working on their second marriages.  I’m just sayin!  So where do you and your possible beaux fit in?  “What is your title?”  Remember, you don’t have one.  One of you may be starting to feel the itch of “let’s make this thing official” while the other is still taking it slow because of fear, baggage, or just not ready to be locked in yet.  So no, you don’t have a boyfriend despite the delusions you have conjured up in your head; which brings me to point number two.

 So what do you tell the guys who you are not attracted to or interested in about your relationship status?  I don’t know about you, but I am tired of coming up with excuses for them!  LOL!  Boo doesn’t know this, but when it comes to talking to men that I don’t like, I am claiming him hands down! 😉 It is hilarious and I crack myself up!  Hey, an imaginary boyfriend works for me when some slick talking sugar daddy, or some short guy (sorry), or some ultra confident guy (who may not be so attractive to me) comes with the game.  It’s becoming “sickening”.  Beauty is a gift and a curse.  I am tired of explaining my single status in defense of being pretty, over the age of thirty, and single.  Is there something wrong with that?  No!  Like, this is not the 50s, geez!  I mean, if I’m so special and such a catch, doesn’t that mean that I just can’t be with anyone?  I want to be with the right someone; the one who is just for me and someone to compliment me inside and out.  Okay, I’m off of that soapbox.

 So what are the rules of engagement or non-engagement *wink* of the no title phase?  Are there any specific rules?  Can you still see or date other guys who you do find attractive?  Should you still be in communication with old boos/lovers?  I’d say, don’t discount any new catches that you meet because during this awkward phase, your post-90 day man is still trying to figure out who he really wants you to be in his life; if he hasn’t already figured that out.  But, what I’m saying is that you are young, vibrant, and beautiful and if a guy you find attractive, mentally, physically, or spiritually wants to take you out for a bite to eat, go for it!  I don’t highly suggest hooking up with old flames because they can make things confusing.  Old feelings and issues may arise and you will remember why the old relationship didn’t work out.  That discretion is totally up to you.  I’m sure there are some who have found out that with an old flame, the time you spent before with this person was indeed bad timing.  It is up to the individual to weigh the old situation with the new love.  Which person do you believe would be better for you?  Only you can decide.  Pray about it.  Seek discernment.  There will always be a risk factor in matters of the heart; and if you are serious about giving your heart away, you will take the risk.  Attempting to be a play-girl or serial dater all your life will not get you to your ultimate goal of becoming a girlfriend or wife.  (If that’s your goal). 

 As I always suggest, this journey is more about you than it is the guys anyway.  There are tons of options to weigh and things to do while waiting for your imaginary “boyfriend” to come to his senses and realize that you are the one!  Don’t play too much with those other candidates because you don’t want to create any bad karma.  Definitely have fun getting to know yourself and others.  Some of those new guys could turn out to become some of your best friends and honesty is always forthright.  Other people that you all are dating or involved with make for good table talk over dinner and drinks.  Have fun and Happy Summer!  Smoochez!!  😉


90 Days Probation: New Boo Is Your New Hire


So you are still high off of the fresh new Boo you met a couple months ago…or are you?  Well, this is still the probationary period.  Let me tell you how it goes down:
The 1st 30 days:

He is fine, intelligent, has some money or knows how to get it.  This man has swept you off of your feet (showin it out) in the first two weeks, ten days to be exact, of knowing him.  You have the ultimate connection.  He listens when you speak; he adores you.  Y’all tweetin, talkin’, textin’, and Facebookin.  (The technology age).  The only part you heard God say was “be fruitful and multiply”; not that “fornicators wouldn’t see the kingdom of heaven”.  And you for dang sure didn’t listen to Steve Harvey when he told you to “Act Like a Lady, and Think Like Man”; something about “no cookies for 90 days”.  Since you didn’t put your cookies on ice or in the freezer or whatever, these first 30 days are like a Las Vegas wedding and honeymoon.  Quick, fun, and easy!  Pun intended!  *wink* So the rose-colored glasses are on, and he can do no wrong.  All is well!  Plenty of dates, plenty of communication, plenty of cookies and desserts to go around because he made it clear that “you don’t need a man, you need a champion”! (Eat, Pray, Love)  So your 90 days is clearly going to be different than the ones Steve, Granny, God and Momma prepped you for.  You 2012 women just make your own rules…no wonder we have less marriages and more sperm donors these days.  I’m just sayin, don’t shoot the messenger!

The 2nd 30 days:

You have become an online stalker trying to figure out Boo’s patterns, other women (potentials), and where he is when he’s not at work or with you; if he is some sort of “FB or Twitter whore”.  He’s still a gentleman explaining that those forms of social media are purely for entertainment; which he owes you no explanation because he’s not your man.  You are still on probation; remember because while you are putting your new hire to the test he’s also testing you Chica!  He has to change it up a little, and keep you guessing, because that’s what they do.  I mean, sister, you are supposed to be doing the same you know.  It’s so romantic to get caught up and give your all, but everyone, you and your beaux, loves a challenge.  So now you are feeling leery or a certain kind of way about Boo and your relationship.  It’s still a relationship/friendship; you just don’t have a commitment/title.  Boo has to find out where the crazy woman within you resides and what he can do to expose her, usually unintentionally (because I don’t really think guys think or strategize as much as we attempt to when it comes to dating).  Because in the first 30 days, both of your representatives showed up to Woo and Wow each other 😉  Now, Mr. New New is working, busy, with friends and family, etc; no time for talking on the phone; and minimal texts and tweets.  Wth?  Now what you gonna do girl?  Is he seeing someone else?  Is he really working or where he says he is?  Why is he not showing it out anymore?  You are thinking “this man has got it twisted!  He doesn’t really know me huh?  I can’t expose the crazy, insecure woman.  I’m too grown for that.”  So needless to say, your next 30 days is going to be interesting.  Since you didn’t listen to the advice of your elders, and you didn’t hear me out in “Journey to Self, Journey to Love”; this is how it must go down:

3rd month with your New Hire:
Because you were lost in the ideal of love, you neglected friends, family, and old Boos (and some of the new candidates who had been trying to get at you).  Now you have to come out of hiding, save face, and re-strategize.  New Boo may not be seeing someone else, he may really be busy working on his Master Plan, but where do you fit in with his schedule? (or maybe he just realized that he enjoys being single and not having to report to anyone; he’s not ready for a commitment; the relationship is still in its infancy)  Okay, so now you need a schedule, which you should have had in the first place, but we all come into these situations at different points in our lives, which is the beauty of it.  Some of us are work-a-holics and some of us may be unemployed.  So what to do while waiting for Boo?  You have to do what you didn’t do in the first 30 days when you dove head first into the sea of much-needed romance.  I have said it a thousand times; make yourself busy girl!  You don’t have to write a book, but there are tons of constructive things you can do rather than destructive.  Human Ego nature will want to call up those old Boos to go on dates, because the one you’d rather be with now has limited time to date you.  I mean keeping your options open is always an option right?  You are not in a committed relationship.  How will your new love feel about this?  Does he have to know?  It really depends on how you feel about him.  Does he make you want to “shut down your operation”?  Then calling the old loves is not the best decision.  If they call you, cool but there is a reason why you are no longer involved with that person.  We move forward not backward.  Ya know?  You definitely need to check in with your girls and get out and have a good time; and although you are not looking for someone new, you are probably going to attract someone new; which can be fun, but remember you have someone new in your life, who you happen to really like, and he is still on probation.  He has 30 more days to show you what the deal is.  I’m not saying that you are going to get the coveted relationship title in 90 days, but this does seem to be a great way to measure who this person is to you and in what capacity you would like him to be in your life;  and how long he wants you in his life.  You also have to remember that we all bring a certain amount of baggage to new relationships.  What happened with your last love interest?  Are you ready for a commitment?  What happened in his last relationship?  Is he ready?

Healing from past loves takes time.  If this man is worth it, you will give him an extension and grace period.  As women, we have to remember to stay in our lanes.  Never try to wear the pants in the relationship.  Show him that you are the smart, beautiful, prize that he first met; not by acting out on Twitter, not by serial texting him about his Twitter, but just by being you…it’s like when you first meet a man and he expresses his interest in you.  Somehow, me being the “Queen of Hearts” and Love Doctor that I am, I have ingrained in my Soul that there is something extra that I have to do to get and keep my man.  The truth, there is nothing that we “have” to do.  The desperate energy of women today is leading us to believe that there is a shortage of men, and that we are in a competition especially with the reality, “non-reality” shows on the snooze tube.  But I don’t buy into that…I know I’m a prize and should operate as such.  A real man, no a champion will recognize your beauty, grace, and confidence.  That’s how you attract and keep him.  All you have to do is show up!  Let him pursue you…let him show you the champion he is; if he is one; let him move mountains for you!  You are a woman…be treated and carry yourself as such!  You may be “a fool for love”, but you ain’t no fool…

So in the last 30 days, will you and your new love interest Fizzle or Sizzle?  Will you keep your new hire around for permanent employment?  Does he want the job?  He will let you know by his actions…and if not, you will have to take new applications.  Simple?  Not always, but life is short and three months of your life should be enjoyed in this process.  If he is a champion, and he decides that he wants you, he knows that the clock is ticking…I wish him luck!  😉