I Have a Boyfriend!!! Do I???

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Okay, there are two issues here that I need to address today. 1) That awkward phase when you are dating someone but you are technically not with them; let’s call it the “no title phase” & 2) Guys who you are not attracted to or interested in hitting on you. 

First things first; the no title phase is super awkward because you are seeking definition for this new relationship that has blossomed beyond the 90 day mark (see previous post above).  While you haven’t quite attained the sought after “girlfriend” title, you have realized that this man is worth keeping around to find out if the love bud the two of you share will grow into full bloom.  As you continue to nurture this new relationship, the feelings you had for the old candidates begin to fade.  Contrastingly, your zeal for seeking new ones is beginning to dwindle.  Wow!  Yes, even in the summertime!  Is this what the post-thirty journey has in store?  Maybe.  Looks like everyone is either settling down and/or having children; getting divorced; or working on their second marriages.  I’m just sayin!  So where do you and your possible beaux fit in?  “What is your title?”  Remember, you don’t have one.  One of you may be starting to feel the itch of “let’s make this thing official” while the other is still taking it slow because of fear, baggage, or just not ready to be locked in yet.  So no, you don’t have a boyfriend despite the delusions you have conjured up in your head; which brings me to point number two.

 So what do you tell the guys who you are not attracted to or interested in about your relationship status?  I don’t know about you, but I am tired of coming up with excuses for them!  LOL!  Boo doesn’t know this, but when it comes to talking to men that I don’t like, I am claiming him hands down! 😉 It is hilarious and I crack myself up!  Hey, an imaginary boyfriend works for me when some slick talking sugar daddy, or some short guy (sorry), or some ultra confident guy (who may not be so attractive to me) comes with the game.  It’s becoming “sickening”.  Beauty is a gift and a curse.  I am tired of explaining my single status in defense of being pretty, over the age of thirty, and single.  Is there something wrong with that?  No!  Like, this is not the 50s, geez!  I mean, if I’m so special and such a catch, doesn’t that mean that I just can’t be with anyone?  I want to be with the right someone; the one who is just for me and someone to compliment me inside and out.  Okay, I’m off of that soapbox.

 So what are the rules of engagement or non-engagement *wink* of the no title phase?  Are there any specific rules?  Can you still see or date other guys who you do find attractive?  Should you still be in communication with old boos/lovers?  I’d say, don’t discount any new catches that you meet because during this awkward phase, your post-90 day man is still trying to figure out who he really wants you to be in his life; if he hasn’t already figured that out.  But, what I’m saying is that you are young, vibrant, and beautiful and if a guy you find attractive, mentally, physically, or spiritually wants to take you out for a bite to eat, go for it!  I don’t highly suggest hooking up with old flames because they can make things confusing.  Old feelings and issues may arise and you will remember why the old relationship didn’t work out.  That discretion is totally up to you.  I’m sure there are some who have found out that with an old flame, the time you spent before with this person was indeed bad timing.  It is up to the individual to weigh the old situation with the new love.  Which person do you believe would be better for you?  Only you can decide.  Pray about it.  Seek discernment.  There will always be a risk factor in matters of the heart; and if you are serious about giving your heart away, you will take the risk.  Attempting to be a play-girl or serial dater all your life will not get you to your ultimate goal of becoming a girlfriend or wife.  (If that’s your goal). 

 As I always suggest, this journey is more about you than it is the guys anyway.  There are tons of options to weigh and things to do while waiting for your imaginary “boyfriend” to come to his senses and realize that you are the one!  Don’t play too much with those other candidates because you don’t want to create any bad karma.  Definitely have fun getting to know yourself and others.  Some of those new guys could turn out to become some of your best friends and honesty is always forthright.  Other people that you all are dating or involved with make for good table talk over dinner and drinks.  Have fun and Happy Summer!  Smoochez!!  😉

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About Dr. Rae

Raechel “Dr. Rae” Rivers was born, raised, and currently resides in St. Louis, Missouri. She has enjoyed creative writing since childhood, but her love of writing grew even stronger during her college years. “Dr. Rae” prides herself on being able to convey such “real” messages about the journey of love. Her words, racy at times, are what some readers need to hear; would not otherwise say, and appreciate for truth and honesty about love-life situations. “Journey to Self: Journey to Love” is her first self-published book printed by Authorhouse. She completed an Ed.S., Educational Specialist degree, in Curriculum and Instruction at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville in 2011; and is a world-renowned Writer, Entrepreneur, and Love Coach. Her life's mission involves encouraging women and young women of all ages to “work on you and love yourself just the way you are”. Raechel’s book, blog, and message on Self-Love have gained national and international popularity. As a result, she founded Embrace Enterprises and Publishing in 2012 to teach youth and adults about Self-Love and pursuing their purpose and passions. Her company’s motto is “Embrace You; A Lifestyle to Be You”. Additionally, Ms. Rivers also offers workshops on Writing, Publishing, Entrepreneurship, and one-on-one Love Coaching Sessions. She believes that “love is a journey where you go searching and ultimately find yourself”.

9 responses »

  1. I LOVE THAT – the no-title phase! I remember this phase ALL too well when I was dating my husband, and I assumed every date might be the last, and I wasn’t sure if I should pick up the check or not? When I was in college, I always referred to the guy in question during the uncertainty period, as the “guy I’m seeing”…because dating would imply that I was, in fact, the girlfriend, when clearly that hasn’t been established yet.

    Thanks for posting this because I think too many women make this erroneous girlfriend assumption. And they’re shorting themselves- in that, as mentioned, they CAN still go out with other people until that exclusivity discussion actually occurs.

    I think too many women put a clock on it… and take it for granted at 30 days or 60 days or whatever that they MUST be the girlfriend because HE keeps calling and/or spent X amount of time with me…of course, I AM… 🙂 …maybe, maybe NOT…and when I was younger I was always afraid to ask for fear the very DISCUSSION of being monogamous would scare them off….

    Anyway, a thought-provoking post! 🙂
    Tenacious Bitch/KS

    • Thank you so much Mrs. Tenacious! I love that “the guy I’m seeing”…I actually used that too. I just say “I’m seeing someone” 🙂 it feels good to say that, but of course in my mind I’m like okay, technically, I’m not with him. I guess what I’m wondering is when is it time to have the “discussion”…I just want to make sure that we are both ready and on the same page. Sounds like you got a Husband out of the deal 😉 There is hope for us singles! Thanks for tuning in!

  2. So what are the rules of engagement or non-engagement of the no title phase? Are there any specific rules?
    >>>>There are always rules to any engagement. Even if the rule is there are no rules. But in this case yes yes there are.

    Can you still see or date other guys who you do find attractive?
    >>>>>> If you are single (as in you have not only been claimed by a person – but also have reciprocated that claim) then you are free to do what you want. See who you like. The trick is to
    remain:
    a) respectful of yourself (exploring with while maintaining a healthy lifestyle and good reputation),
    b) respectful of other peoples feelings (if you don’t like seeing people you date out with other people – don’t expect them to like it either. Find private locales and times to explore your options without them discovering each other) and
    c) respectful of the process (if you can’t juggle more than 2-3 guys at a time (in the dating sense (ahem – do what you do) – then don’t. Never bite off more than you can chew and the reality is that if a person focus is spread too thin- they can still miss Mr. Or Mrs Right who is right in front of them).

    Should you still be in communication with old boos/lovers?
    >>>>>> Depends on the boo. You spoke truth when you mentioned some past loves being past
    because of bad timing. But some of them were wrong in this time, the past, and any alternate universe that is out there. A good rule of thumb is if passion is the only thing that was good – that’s not good – an every time you go back is like sleeping with the enemy. If you want and need more – no sense in sticking around somebody you are sure won’t give it to you. If there was more sincere emotional attachment, more good times than bad.. then yeah – keep in touch. My mom told me that you always keep your options open. So maintaining cordial (albeit distant) relationships with past flames is not a terrible thing.

    You didn’t really speak on the dealing with the attention from unwanted suitors -as far as solutions. So I offer this advice as a middle of the road kind of guy who’s had great wins – but has also been crashed and burned like the bar scene on Top Gun. (YOU’VE LOST THAT LOVING FEELING!!!). When approached by someone who is interested in you but you are not interested in them. Don’t treat them like the plague. You don’t have to lie to them about your status. Just be nice and direct.
    You don’t have do shun an advance – maybe just deflect it. Thank the guy for whatever interest he’s
    show (as long as its respectful we don’t want to condone anything less) and tell him that you not really interested – don’t laugh him off. Maybe even flirt him away (batting eyes) just let him be able to go back across the room with his dignity intact. Here’s why. More than beauty guys like cool chicks. We all can see so the beauty doesn’t need to be discussed. But the last thing you want is when guys
    reference other guys about you (and we do do that) – for the answer to be – yeah she’s fine but she’s
    mean, or stuck-up, etc. A lot of girls think that when guys are talking about them in that way they are spiteful – its not really that. Its that they are speaking on their closest and most personal interaction with you -and if it was in anyway a hit to their ego. Bam – now you’re labeled. The alternative is what I described before – the cool chick. That no one has anything bad to say about. Her report is like this- “yeah she’s fine – but you better have it together before you go over there. Is she single? I don’t know if she has a man but she is cool people – if you like her you should talk to her”. At least this way you have those failed attempts from non-suitors turning into positive referrals for possible others.

    • Eddie! Thanks so much for stopping by and dropping the knowledge! You presented some definite words of wisdom here and this advice is well received. I love to hear the male perspective. Please don’t hesistate to be my guest blogger. Let me know if you can write up a good topic to share with us single ladies going through the process. 🙂 I love what you said about respecting ourselves; post-30 dating is teaching me about respect for myself. There is no sense in participating in “hook-ups” that aren’t going anywhere. As for nicely rejecting the “bug-a-boos”, I have to do better; especially now that I have books to sell because I wouldn’t want them to speak badly of me or for the word on the street to be that I’m the stuck up Author. Great insight! Thanks!

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