Category Archives: bachelor

“I Wanna Sex You Up…”

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What a sexy, classy video we have here!  Oh the 90s!  Women’s sexual liberation and empowerment!  Just look at those classic power suits on the men and women in this video.  Who misses the 90s?  How would I know about the sexual liberation? I was only 11 when this video released; but hey, I just remember all the female rap groups who seemed secure and powerful in their sexuality or want/need for sex.  They were fully clothed but hey we got the message even as pre-teens. Not sure if we really knew what we were talking about (we were scared to say the “S” word- it was S-E-X then; we sang the song and spelled it out- and it was funny every time we said it)-middle school… but anyway…

It’s been too dang long since I updated my blog…so much has happened.  Too much to compile here.  I have finally gotten into a clearer heart and head space to write some stuff.  Here goes.  Yesterday I posted in a Facebook group,

“Men: if a woman only hits you up for sex or with sexual innuendos how would that make u feel especially if u really liked her & wanted to have a serious relationship with her? Would u pursue a commitment from her?”.

So the men chimed in and to my dismay but not total shock, I’ve found that men think way differently from women regarding this topic.  Well not exactly, because most women I know are turned off by men who do it.  It’s a double standard and you all can’t do what we do.  You will get turned down. Even if your goal is sex, you still have to go about it in another way.  Especially over 30 I say…or maybe it’s just me and the majority of women I know. (Unless it’s some Cougar thing where the woman is more like the Sugar Mama but that’s a different subject).  cougar
All I’m saying is for women and some men, there has to be some other benefit (conversation, dinner, companionship, paying a bill, etc) other than sex because these hook-ups take away from the time that you could be spending on work or business or serious relationships.

Basically, the men I surveyed informed me that they wouldn’t try to make more of the relationship if it were just sexual.  The irony is that many women have tried to do just that; make a sexual relationship into more than physical and have failed repeatedly.  These men were adamant in their belief system.  I know that these men don’t represent all men, but it was an interesting perspective.  They were all over 30 and black.  I know that some relationship dynamics work differently in other cultures; and there are some married people despite race, that are with the person who was initially a hook-up.

I didn’t tell these guys but I’m sure they’ll read this post (and they may already know this) but if a woman is contacting you mainly for sex you may want to figure out her motive or why? It kind of seems that these men didn’t care why. They just wanted the benefit of sex; and to answer my initial question, NO, they wouldn’t try to make it more than sex.  The downside of this (and I really don’t have to write this) but it DOES happen; if you don’t use protection this woman can wind up becoming the mother of your child/children.  That’s a big title for someone who you are not planning to have a serious relationship with.  These men said that they would move on from the woman when they were ready for a real relationship.  Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic but it doesn’t make sense to me.  I do understand the point they were making though.  I don’t think this is a prescription for all relationships, but perhaps daters (women) should get more clarity for their motive of hitting the guy up for sex.  I shared with my girlfriend that honestly it isn’t even always about the sex; but the sex is sort of the bait.  I don’t think guys think that way at ALL.  For some women, it’s about the actual companionship whether it only fulfills a need in a pseudo way.

Side Bar: the guys mentioned that the person who initiated the relationship is the only one who can change the dynamic of the relationship.  Hmmm…so if the woman who is hitting him up for sex wants more she should say so?  I don’t think it works like that but this is what the men reported.  Their whole thing was, they’re not going to be the one to attempt to change the dynamic of the relationship. That has to be some male ego thing.  I mean if you like or want the woman just say so!  This may be far fetched, but I think it’s different with other races (white men) – I’m just saying- some folks are on their 3rd Husband or Wife; and you and Charlie been off and on for 10 years what the heck?  Other races seem to move quickly when it comes to—where is this relationship going?- let’s try this thing- if it doesn’t work out-oh well.  Keep it moving!  As I quote myself, “it’s a total waste of time to have a sexual relationship with someone that you know is not going anywhere. Unless that’s just how you choose to live your life”.

On another note: women my age who have no children and do have children but are single, normally will hit you up during that ONE key week out of the month.  See previous post “Single & Ovulating: Post Menstrual Depression or Let’s Get It On?” A few days before her a period and a few days after…it’s hormones.  At the base of it, we have these animal/human instincts that tell us it’s time to procreate. (Be fruitful and multiply). So if family planning is not in the cards then wrap it up! (use a condom or birth control) But for the women pushing 40 who desire to have children, this part of the dating process, single or not, may get you a sperm donor; choose wisely!  😉  Men be careful there may be a motive in there somewhere.

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Not the Marrying Type

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One of the worst statements you can say to a single woman who is past the age of thirty, or any age for that matter is, “I don’t understand why you are single?” Excuse me but if my single status is of no concern to me, why are you worried about it? Other rude no no’s include sarcastic expressions from doctors and health professionals during my quarterly visits. Yes I said quarterly; back when I was still in graduate school and the services were free. “How many new partners have you had over the past year?” “Are you not the marrying type?” She goes on further to say that getting tested will not keep you from getting diseases (agreed) and in the next breath refers me to a shrink. *look of shock and perplexity on my face* Excuse me Ma’am, but would you like to lose your job? It is none of your business how many partners I’ve had; hey at least I am here, and again the services are free or at the expense of the school. There are people running around who don’t know their STD statuses, and I want to remain current with mine; and give me a shrink only if I request one, thanks! Well thank God for finally helping me to finish school and enter the real world without free services, with the exception of certain clinics; but some of these places are not the ones you want to visit too often. We don’t trust health professionals that much anyway; not here in the inner-city or anywhere for that matter. We’d rather pay an arm and leg with the help of the health insurance programs offered to us in the workplace. What are we paying for; more privacy and a facility that has nice pictures on the wall? Anywho, it was nice when the nurse practitioner told me that I had one of the healthiest cervixes she’d seen all day (and I credit my diet at the time…I probably had just finished detoxing). Wow! I hope that post-30 my vagina is healthy. Yes, as we age there should be a lifestyle change which includes fewer visits to make sure “everything is okay”. Fewer partners equal fewer visits. We are moving toward becoming the “marrying type” right?

What or who is this marrying type that we speak of? She or he is someone who is or believes themselves to be ready for a more settled relationship, which could lead to marriage, whether they already have children or not. This person is not the “serial-dater”. I would say that we all must be some sort of serial-dater until we figure out what we want or feel that we are ready to be in a serious, and we pray, monogamous relationship. There are two types of serial-daters: one is the person who goes on a series of dates. This is the person I would say who is enjoying life and trying to see who’s out there. They are trying to figure out what they truly desire in a mate, or they are just having fun! The other is the person (and we all have friends like this), they are all or nothing. Every time you look up they have a new “girlfriend” or “boyfriend”. Geez, what happened to your last serious relationship? No breaks in between. No time for finding yourself! Any one of us has been this person before a time or two; the serial-dater. The rest of us just take sabbaticals, sometimes purposely, sometimes not; we are finding ourselves. Finding yourself is definitely ongoing and can take place even while you are out here dating, which is when you discover that certain relationships aren’t working for you; because they don’t line up with what you really want for your life and love life.

Through it all, some may decide that they truly aren’t the marrying type. Now that wouldn’t be fair for the serial-dater to hook up with the one who is thinking and acting as if they are ready for marriage. Once this is discovered, and we hope early on in the courtship or whatever we call dating and getting to know each other these days, then both parties can respectfully move on knowing that it was fun; this is not who or what I really want for my life; now keep it moving. “It’s not you, it’s me”, or maybe you’re just not for me. As we continue to define ourselves and life goals and purpose, we will be able to avoid a long drawn out process of the dating game. The marrying type may show up with a long laundry list of qualities, characteristics, income bracket, job-type, religion, race, height, weight, etc…maybe that has been you before too. For many reasons, this doesn’t work either. The best advice, work on yourself at all times because we know that we attract that which we are…we look for someone who is like-minded; someone who is going where we are going; someone who wants what we want out of life; someone to complement us on this journey called life! Someone who makes us want to be a better person. We move from being the serial-dater to becoming the marrying type when we meet this person. They help us to evaluate our life; and our dating life, whether we have one or not. We put away the laundry list, and we become open to the possibilities of love! Of course we keep or develop our standards. We enjoy the moment of the new possibilities while healing from the baggage of past relationships; which sometimes aid in our serial-dating behaviors.

Spring has sprung! Love is in the air, and all things have become new! More updates later on the life and times of your favorite “Love Guru”, Dr. Rae! Smoochez! Remember to fall in love with yourself, God, and your life purpose, and then the love of your life will be revealed! We are so much more attractive when we are busy working on our dreams! The two come together for a purpose; remember that as you are out here on the scene full of serial-daters. It becomes easier as we focus on what’s really important in our lives. Let’s live to date on purpose. Not just to be dating; not to take the fun out of it, but know what you want as you enter into the field. It’s almost like job hunting! LOL! 😉 Work on your “I’m the marrying type” resume’ if that’s your goal. Don’t highlight your negatives. Focus on the positives and what you can add to someone else’s life!

 

 

ManGagement Ring: Are You Serious?

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The other day I was watching the local St. Louis news; and there was a story about the “ManGagement” Ring.  Apparently, this is a practice that has been going on for some time amongst more affluent couples according to one of the local jewelers.  Now you can call me an old fashioned girl regarding how I feel about this ideal.  Although I consider myself to be very progressive in my approach to dating, proposing marriage to a man is where I draw the line.  The Word says, “He who finds a wife…” and you know the rest…Now I’ll admit there are ways to insinuate what you want from a guy whether it be food; affection; going out on a date; money; etc; and maybe even marriage…but getting down on one knee?  No, please pick up your self-esteem and security Sister! 

What is happening in the way we date these days?  Technology has already changed the game; leaving us with less time to properly communicate and actually build relationships with substance via texting, Facebook, and Twitter.  ie. (the virtual booty call)  Are women becoming this desperate for a man?  For a spouse?  Whatever happened to the “Cinderella”, “Sleeping Beauty”, “Little Mermaid” love stories?  Am I delusional to still want to see my fairytale dream proposal/wedding come to fruition?  Or are we really products of the Barbie/Ken generation?  She had so much money she could buy her man…kind of like Oprah and Star Jones…idk! 

I have been far removed from TV as of late, but I heard some woman proposed and bought a ring for Jim Jones.  Wtf?  If I’m buying a ring, it won’t be for such a scruffy looking man.  LOL!  And did homegirl just happen to buy him a ring with his own money? Lmao!  Who does that?  Rich women I guess…so ladies, do you really feel, as one woman on the news put it, that the men should have on something that shows they’re taken (about to get married)?  Or can we stick to the traditional value that the woman wears the ring because she is his prize; and it doesn’t really matter whether he wears one or not? (Because he’ll just be a Bachelor up until the night before the wedding).

I refuse to propose; and I like to believe that I’m secure enough to not require my future man to wear a “ManGagement” Ring.  If he’s sincere in wanting to make that loving commitment and not just marrying out of obligation, then he’ll wear his ring in his heart.  A ring is only a symbol which some people (men and women) defy daily.  Even society doesn’t seem to remember what the symbol stands for…are we really all about status and/or cost of the ring more so than the true values of the relationship?  Enter Kim Kardashian and her lavish engagement ring and wedding plans.  Does it mean you love me more because of how much the ring costs or how big it is?  No!  A true loving relationship and commitment has no price tag…and it seems that rings are for show (since not many value its symbolism these days).  I’m just sayin…     

Who Is Mr. Big?

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Mr. Big, Mr. Big, I call him Mr. Big.  Mr. Big, Mr. Big for so many apparent reasons.  So who is Mr. Big?  Now you know I’m not going to name any names, but I will tell you what a Mr. Big is.  For starters, Mr. Big is generally 5 to 15 years your senior.  Okay, we got that out the way.  Next, there are many apparent reasons why he’s Mr. Big and not always because of his size.  Mr. Big, yes he’s older; he’s established; he has met every criteria on your wish list.  He is someone you can look up to; he has just about everything you have or are working to build for your life so why not admire or aspire to be in the company of such a “Big” man, as in “Bigtime”.  He’s also usually pretty well-known in your community because of an established occupation (perhaps something entrepreneurial), philanthropic efforts, or maybe he’s just a “Big” socialite in your city or town.

This type of man attracts women of all ages and genres whether he is single or not.  The Mr. Big I’m speaking of happens to be a single one.  Generally, Bigs have been previously married and may possess children almost your age or at least half your age.  He doesn’t come with much drama unless he’s a messy Mr. Big, but remember his reputation in the community is on the line so he has to remain as drama less as possible.

How I met Mr. Big?  I know you are wondering…Yes Love Doctor how?  Well, I was 24 years young…hot and fresh to death…you feel me…I was so fine that I didn’t know I was fine…slim and trim…carefree, footloose and fancy free…you feel me?  Mr. Bigs are definitely attracted to this type…A young, educated, fly, fit, young woman…working toward big dreams (Masters degree attainment at the time).  I was just living it up!  Loving life to the fullest!  I was so enjoying my life at the time that I didn’t pay Mr. Big any mind.  I think he was on his way up then…but heck all I knew was you are 10yrs older than me…older than my oldest sibling, and I wasn’t sure how to react.  Had I known then what I know now…I would have tried to lock him down then.  Ya know? 

You have to catch these types when you first meet them when they are into you and in pursuit because if you don’t, later on down the line when you try to get at him on a serious note…like “hey what’s up Mr. Big I’m ready to get married and have kids now”…he will start smelling himself and forget how he pursued you…he will develop what I’ve coined as the “Mike Jones Syndrome”.  And that’s not a pretty sight because he will officially play with you because he knows that now you’re ready.  See it was better for him when you weren’t ready because that gave him more time to enjoy being in an uncommitted, “touch and go” relationship with you and whomever else.  As you begin to age, he will still look at you like you are 21 or 24, that first day he met you and was so captivated by your beauty.  However, it will never be the same if you did not accept his initial advances.

Do you get where I’m going with this one?  Mr. Big is your ideal partner, if you don’t mind the age difference, but his ego is so enormous that it will take some time to get him down the aisle, if he’s never been married, and back down the aisle if he has.  And don’t think you are going to come at him trying to produce any children out of wedlock…again, the rep is on the line…unless you actually catch him slipping one night which would be a rare occasion.  This man is good to keep around because he knows many people whom you may need contact with so try to maintain a healthy relationship with this one.

In conclusion, if you are not ready for the Big Leagues, Mr. Big is not for you.  If you don’t mind a rollercoaster ride then it may be fun, just realize what you are getting yourself into…with Mr. Big comes increased responsibility to stay on point in all of your personal endeavors.  Since you are no longer 21, he’s not going for the “damsel in distress” routine either.  Sometimes the rules with him are clean cut, and sometimes there are no rules.  The real truth, he’s not ready to settle down because if he was, then he would be.  If you are the chosen one/woman for him…you will know it.  There are no excuses left to come from a man who has everything…if he’s not willing to share with you, then you’re just not the one.  And throughout the years, you will not be able to change the dynamic of the relationship.  “The Thrill Is Gone”…Be his toy or keep it moving, because another fine, young, tender thing is waiting in the wings to catch a ride with Mr. Big…but remember he’s aging too!!!  

          

The Bachelor

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I’ve been away for a minute, but now I’m back. I’ve been incurring some inner changes and thought processes, actually taking those chill pills right now. So you know I have to get my VH1 “reality” dating show time in and currently the Bachelor is airing. I haven’t been keeping up with it so I caught it last night and there were six women left. By the end of the episode, he could only give away four roses. Poor guy, he was having a difficult time deciding between six beautiful, intelligent, and hardworking women. So after watching this I’m thinking isn’t this what real life dating feels like sometimes, especially when you’re single? Many women all vying for the same guy; or vice versa as in the case of the Bachelorette. At the end of the show I had to reflect. I felt bad for one of the older women, Heather age 30. She was so into this guy, I think his name is Aaron. I mean she was pouring her heart out on national TV for a guy I’m sure she hasn’t known that long. Not that there’s something wrong with having those feelings for someone you haven’t been dating that long, but she was going all out on TV! You should have seen the expressions that Aaron was making when Heather was trying to get up under him in the Jacuzzi. She was kissing all on him and the guy was looking so disgusted! LOL! Poor girl!

During the rose ceremony, she was looking so depressed like she knew she was going to get cut. Aaron even said in his one on one with the camera that he was not attracted to her. Personally, I thought she was the prettiest lady there well one of the prettier ones, but what does this tell you? Looks are not everything. Guys can sense when you don’t have it together in the head. There is a vibe that is given off. Confidence is way more attractive. I mean even for guys. Women don’t really seem to be as attracted to the clingy man. I think we all want and need a little clinginess at times, but not to the point of feeling smothered. Heather was ready to get married yesterday, and Aaron just wasn’t feeling her and he couldn’t force himself to. I felt badly for her because I know how she felt. At the end of the show she was really crying her eyes out and saying “what’s wrong with me?” Aaron knew that Heather thought something was wrong with herself. I say, her problem was thinking that something was wrong with herself. It is better for people to understand that everyone is not going to like you, and you can’t force someone to like you. Sure you can try to manipulate someone, but in the end your true colors and theirs will always surface. The key is to be confident and to keep believing that the right person for you is out there. If you don’t believe it, then it will never happen. You have to release happy thoughts into the universe while continuously working on yourself and keeping your image and your Spirit in an attractive manner. So ladies, before you find yourself having a “Heather” moment at 30 or anytime, just remember, “I’m okay” and, hey if a man doesn’t pick me then so be it.

I did realize that Aaron was way more attracted to the youngest woman, Brooke age 22 and the meanest woman, Helene I think her name was she may have been 27. I include this to say, I’m realizing that men of all ages enjoy and appreciate some innocence about a woman and possibly a mean streak, but not too mean. Heather thought that Brooke being so young was holding her back, but actually Brooke’s youthful way seemed to make Aaron light up a little. So be yourself, but realize that a youthful glow will give you brownie points. It’s more about what’s going on inside of you rather than how you actually look or wear your hair…again, your Spirit, it will shine through…believe it or not.

As for the mean girl, she seemed to sort of get on his nerves. She was a little negative, which the other lady Hayley, I think that’s her name, who was cut thought was going to get Helene cut. Actually, Helene had the advantage because she forced Aaron to keep it real with the women and himself. His goal was to not lead anyone on. Helene challenged him and kept saying that she is not going to work too hard or just really put herself out there with her feelings if there is no guarantee. Her attitude allowed him to check his true feelings about all of the women and realize how “serious” the dating game was becoming.

I say that real life dating is similar to this show because you can be casually dating two or more people and like and appreciate different aspects about each person. In college, once a guy told me that dating too many women was becoming too expensive. You don’t have to spend money to have creative fun dates. You can go to free events, museums, parks and things like that. At the end of the day the Bachelor or Bachelorette, has to decide which person is for them and just hope that the feelings are mutual. I would hope that people would not just date in vain, but also that is something that can be established early on. It is good to know what you want from someone or what that person ultimately wants from you just to keep the lines clear. Some of my friends (guys and ladies) have said, and we’re all around the same age, that they don’t casually date. Whoever they are involved with is someone they can see themselves marrying. This makes sense to me, but I would want to make sure that the person I’m dating feels the same way. Just like having those check points. The downside is that some people will never fully disclose how they really feel out of fear of losing you especially if they don’t see themselves marrying you. Actually, that is unfair. I would say pray to discern what’s really going on so that there are no surprises. Often times, we intrinsically know where a relationship is heading after the first couple of dates. Just protect your heart and feelings, but not to the point of showing no emotion although that’s how some people operate. Just my thoughts. That’s all for the day! Thanks for tuning in!