Category Archives: detachment

Social Media Do’s & Don’ts

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eyes computerAm I the only one in a love/hate relationship with social media these days? At times I find myself spending too much time on sites such as Facebook and Twitter, and being less productive in my personal and business goals as a result. Does that sound like you? In order to overcome this challenge in the new year, I’ve created some social media guidelines in order to discipline myself and the time that I spend on such sites. These suggestions for participating online are my attempt to intervene social media addiction. Having an online presence is a great networking and marketing tool for business; finding like-minded groups of people with similar hobbies/interests; and for staying in touch with family and old colleagues. However, individuals should assess the time they spend online and if it’s making him or her counterproductive. An intervention may be necessary; as I mentioned in an article post on Yahoo Voices, “Social Media Burn Out: Do You Need An Intervention?”. It is my hope that these unspoken rules will help me maintain focus and monitor time spent online for greater productivity in my life because “time is money”. Enjoy!

1) Do give yourself a weekly or daily time limit. It can be addictive; so all day everyday is not cool. There’s a real world going on outside of social media.

2) Don’t use it to communicate with close family and friends—unless it’s only for fun.  Talking on the telephone is more intimate, and sending a text message is more personal than communicating online; even in business.

3) Do use it for positive social networking, business connections, and promotions. You never know who you might meet that can invest in your business idea or become a potential client, customer, business colleague, or employer.

4) Don’t use it to “vent” about your personal life or personal business unless it’s funny lol. Remember every one of your FB friends or Twitter followers is not necessarily your real friend; some of them are just lurkers and “haters”.

5) Do use it to keep current with media, social, and world news; especially if you don’t have a TV like me. I’m going to get one of those antenna devices this year and get some local news and TV programs running so that I know what’s going on in the world.
computer burn out

6) Don’t over-post random shit. Your Timeline is constantly being bombarded by randomness from you, your friends, celebrity and support group pages you follow. Give it a rest sometimes. If you are annoyed by some of the same posts that you see all day everyday, people are probably annoyed by your posts as well.

7) Death to the “Selfie”. I am guilty as charged on this one. If you must take selfies, pictures of yourself, personal photo shoots in your bathroom, just text the selfie to a friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Resist the urge to constantly post them on your social media sites; even Instagram, because some people are lurking or could be stalking you without your knowledge. I’ve watched enough “Criminal Minds” and “Lifetime” movies to believe that serial killers do exist. I have over 100 selfies stored in my phone and all of them have not been posted online, but many of them have. I’m thinking of deleting some of them off of my Facebook page and saving them to my computer’s hard drive. If you happen to go through an introverted social media phase, don’t become the “lurker” or stalker yourself because you really don’t have time for it.

8) Don’t use it as a public display of your relationship status especially if it changes weekly and “it’s complicated”. Social media has turned us all into V.I.P.s so stop being the headliner of the day or week. I’d love to change my status from “single” and post lovey-dovey pictures, but I have none to post. Suit yourself on that one.

9) Do use it to check-in with old classmates and networks from past jobs, church, or groups with whom you’ve been affiliated . Your former colleagues may have job leads or information about a city to which you want to relocate. I believe in its inception some of these social media sites were created for these purposes only. There was one called “Classmates”. It pre-dates Facebook. Also, I remember when Facebook first began, you had to be a college student or in one of the school networks in order to join the site. Now it’s open to everyone and everything. Social media has definitely changed in the last ten years.

10) Don’t believe everything you see or read on there. Everyone is not who they say they are online. Don’t feel bad if your real life doesn’t match your online life. I believe in stretching the truth and acting as if to become all you desire to become; thereby creating the life that you desire. However, you don’t have to become a totally different person as some people online are doing. I believe this tidbit of advice will help those who are considering online dating, certain job posts, or Craigslist advertisements. Just be cautious overall when dealing with people you meet online. You won’t know who’s who until you actually meet them in person.

I Didn’t Get the Memo…

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Seven months…that’s how long I’ve known my “love interest”, newly titled “love friend”.  We have surpassed the 90 day mark; see previous post regarding the probationary period, and we are now in the grace period of said “no title phase”.  What is the memo that I didn’t receive you ask?  While I thought we were getting closer to the serious phase, meanwhile boo’s mind is far from thinking about an exclusive relationship with me.  Contrastingly, it has been discussed that he doesn’t want to necessarily hear about my relationships/dates with other guys, which have become non-existent circa a month and a half ago; but feels that he couldn’t object to those relationships since we are not together.  So I was definitely in agreement with that about a month ago when I still had other candidates on the brain, but up until about a month ago, I was in “diss” mode toward other men; where I subconsciously created a serious relationship in my own mind (I have a boyfriend, do I??).  In the midst of what boo was saying; I didn’t hear what he wasn’t saying that like him basically I can’t get upset if he is still seeing other people; but somewhere in there I thought we had a conversation where he said that he wasn’t really seeing anyone else.  My how the tide changes within weeks I’m assuming…we are all entitled to change our minds due to life or whatever contingencies.  He’s a guy, I shouldn’t have expected him to say that if some other young lady or circumstance came along that out of convenience or whatever hormones that he wouldn’t satisfy the urge to indulge himself in said new female.  We are not together remember?
Where did I go wrong initially, I didn’t believe him 7 months ago when he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship?  Did I think I could change him?  Did I think I was the one to help him forget about the last woman who hurt him?  I am not God…clearly I’m not…not trying to be either.  Did I not think that I would begin to have feelings for him?  Honestly, we were both in vulnerable states emotionally when we met.  So now what?  Where do we go from here?  We are not on the same page.  I’m looking for growth in a relationship that has become stagnant.  I can say that I want to be in a committed relationship, with him or just in a relationship?  Both.  Well, the him I’ve created in my head; not necessarily the him who in reality; no longer has time or makes time for, love, lunch, texting, talking or me.  Let’s just face it; I’m no longer the best thing since sliced bread or that new toy on Christmas Day.  Who am I and who have I become to him?  A friend?  The verdict is out on that one.  We have a friendship, yes…this is called the gray zone.  Regardless of what it is, the memo involves seeing and spending time with other people; and now I have to figure out how to mainstream myself back into the society of dating…

 I bought a book “The Breakup Book: A Girl’s Guide to Putting the Pieces Back Together”.  I know what you’re thinking, what?!  How is it that you’re broken up with someone you weren’t even with?  And aren’t you supposed to be the “Love Doctor”?  Yes, I am here to help you and give advice; seldom do I take my own advice.  This valley with my love friend feels like a breakup, and I decided to seek out some help on re-charging the blow to my ego.  The author, Diane Mastromarino., is giving me basically the same info that I give you, but sometimes I need to hear someone else say it.  Same message different messenger.  Besides, the book is funny and a short read only 47 pages with some great quotes.

I have to do whatever works, and what I had been doing between now and last month was unhealthy and could possibly ruin the gray zone of this potential relationship.  This is why it’s important not to put a time cap on love.  We have all kinds of baggage to sort through.  Women and men both come with bags in the post-30 dating world; and this is the reality of the situation.  We are not always going to be on the same page at the same time.  You can love someone and not like them…is this making any sense?  It’s helping me; because I’ve been giving this guy a hard time so I need to share my woes with a whole blog society rather than continue to send him texts about how I don’t understand why he wants to see other women; or whatever he’s doing that’s keeping him from being in a serious relationship with me.  He made a good point that being with me and cheating on me would be an option…wow! So true and we are too old for that! 

In all truth, I’m blessed to call him friend and grateful for his honesty.  This memo has been well received…
Will I see him again you ask, even without a commitment?  Is this worth riding out just a little bit longer?  Stay tuned…     

Divine Timing: God’s Timing

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Even the Clock is surrendering to God's Timing!

Last night I met with a new Sister Circle; it was a divinely created opportunity to fellowship with an old friend and one new friend.  During our meeting, we exchanged information about the current states of our love lives, and did our best to give each other objective feedback.  There was a constant theme that emerged as we discussed the special men in our lives.  That theme was “timing”.  God’s timing.  Timing is everything in life.  Sometimes you can be late for events, on time, or early.  Well in each of our situations, we realized that we were a little early.  As believers in the Most High God, who knows exactly what we need and when, we decided to surrender all and everything regarding these situations.

I’m thinking what a great way to end my book.  My journey is far from over; it is in fact just getting started.  The Journey to Self: Journey to Love is not a one time event.  Yes, it is a series of events that I’ve displayed here, but all those things that happened in the love relationships of my twenties were just preparing me for what’s ahead.  Now, the real work begins.  The test is whether or not I practice what I preach.  I will definitely be using my own book as a resource for the journey.  I have a special love in my life, but actually the relationship is only a seed because its current state is not exactly where I want it to be.  I’ve learned through it all the art of surrendering and detachment.  Detachment is not necessarily a bad thing.  It’s actually safe.  It means that I choose to take care of my own heart and my own needs before I try to give my all to a physical man; who is only flesh like me.  Yes, he has a spirit, but his spirit can never replace the spirit of God. 

Often as humans, we become addicted to the tangible; what we can feel, see, hear, and touch.  We have to learn to feel, see, hear, and touch God as well.  God is always there waiting for us to search Him out.  To become so filled with His love that no situation cannot tear us down, and you know that we (women) are some emotional creatures!  No matter what our love life looks like; no matter what our finances look like; no matter who has hurt us in the past; we learn to operate in love at all times!  Love of Self, Love of Creator, and then we are better able to love others the way God intended. 

I am excited about the future!  God’s Word says, “I know well the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.  I have decided to trust God in every aspect of my life.  So when “Boo” is not acting right, who do I turn to?  You know who it is!  God the Creator is just like a Mom or a Dad; saying, “hey, I’m the one who birthed you out, how dare you not spend any time with me, or question my timing, or what I’m doing in your life”!  God knows what’s best.  He’s always working things out for our highest good.  It is in our surrendering everything to Him, even our own desires, will He then step in and give us a life filled with so many blessings of which we’ve never even dreamed.  I don’t know about you, but I’m trusting God with my life and my love life.  Always, always trust God first, keep God first, and not man!  God is the only Source that can fill the void in your heart so fill up on God before you try to love on anyone else!  God will protect your heart if you stay in the palm of His hand…      

Soulmates: The Epilogue

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 “Journey to Self: Journey to Love” is my comprehensive “dissertation” on love in life.  It is through self-critique, self-evaluation, and self-realization that one can make a journey through what can sometimes appear to be a complex love life.  Knowledge of self and self-love are the keys to a healthy life and healthy relationships.  The most important relationship that we can ever have is the one with Self.  When we are balanced within, we can attract a balanced mate.  People will always mirror to us what we don’t always notice about ourselves; the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

When my Mentor first told me this, it went way over my head.  It all makes sense to me now; especially when you begin to follow a Divine Path and start listening to your Higher Self (the God within).  You honestly don’t have to look for love…it is within…that which you feel you lack will be lack (missing)…if you know that you are love and come from love…you will always have love and won’t have to look.  (That was inspired by Dr. Wayne Dyer).  You must be satisfied with self, but also have a teachable Spirit and be willing to learn from others.  What I’ve learned is that “religiosity” is going to keep people from True Love (God).  There are some “rules” that can be followed for disciplinary matters; however, true love is guilt free and able to walk in the Abundance of Love, which is God.  “God is Love”.

I believe that I have several Soulmates out there.  Alexyss K. Tylor says “you have many Soulmates, but only one Twin Flame”.  Now here’s a concept that most cannot fathom.  My Mentor’s Husband suggested this to me at one time; again, it went way over my head.  The truth is, on a subconscious level, we choose our Soulmates and experiences.  These experiences have already occurred in another realm; so good or bad, we have somehow attracted various experiences into our life as we know it.  Our Soulmates can also be derived from our past lives, which may include some unfinished business with these individuals.  Next time you meet someone, simply ask in your head or out loud, “What did you come to teach me?” “What do I need to learn about myself from my encounter with you?”  We are free to decide how to handle these experiences and how to move forward into a life filled with love, peace, and joy, which is our true Godly, Godlike nature.  The opposite end of the spectrum is our dark nature.  At any given time, we have the ability and power to choose which nature we want to exist within us.  I favor the lighter, happier side of life, but at times, the dark side will creep in and this is the result of not being in balance.  We have to balance the spectrum in order to live the good life that we desire. 


Soulmate 1
:  My supposed “Twin Flame” (The Beginning)- He helped me start this book “Journey to Self: Journey to Love”.  He is difficult to tack down.  He’s a gift to the world, like a “Star” or a light for all.  He’s almost “just like me”.  We even look alike.  He intuitively knows me (scary)…even finishes my sentences.  He’s psychic and loves children (Libra)…aw…especially his own.  
  

Soulmate 2:  The “Husband” Material (Cancer) (The Middle)- He looks excellent on paper and is sharp as a tack!  He’s fine and cleans up well!  He’s aging gracefully.  This is the one to bring home to Mama.  We call him “Mr. Big” because he has it all; except me.  LOL!  He’s been around for a few years, but caught me off guard while on this journey.  He’s also a “light” who is kind of difficult to pin down.  Actually, he’s a little secretive like me; his inner circle is very tight; yet he’s a Social Butterfly; same as me.

Soulmate 3:  The “Superstar” (The Tail)- He is a world traveler (Sagittarius).  He gets around.  He has that “Diddy Swag” and is a true Entrepreneur.  You can’t put him in one category though…he’s just a “Hustler”.  He is ambitious and unforgettable.  He truly desires to settle down; but not until he sees and touches the world (which he’s already doing) with those “Amber” colored eyes.  He’s the $5 million dollar man (with a plan) who aspires to move to an island or somewhere secluded to enjoy his money and all his accomplishments.  I may plan to join him.

Dr. Wayne Dyer says that a Soulmate is a person who “teaches you the most”…and “that you can’t get rid of them”.  They can be family members or Sister-friends and play-brothers.  Again, I have several Soulmates.  So who will be the lucky winner?  Who will steal Dr. Rae’s heart and put some “bling” on the finger?  I and the world await the answer.  He may be none of these three.  Maybe it will be my “Youngin”; oh I will update you on that later.  All I know is I plan to be happy with or without a man. 

I AM Love…I’m filled with Love…it overtakes me and surrounds me…I give love abundantly as it is given unto me…I choose love.  One way to choose is to learn to live without that which you desire.  Detach and it will overtake you…         

     

Sex and the City 2 “Less is Sometimes Best”

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This movie had some very important relationship and “relations” themes that we’ve possibly lost in our Westernized society.  Now some of the practices of Eastern culture are way extreme, but we can learn from the ideal of minimizing lustful situations.  In actuality these situations can be created from “covering up”, but letting it all hang out too soon can also create an adverse affect amongst men and women; such as a man’s decision to view a woman as a harlot versus seeing her as the covered up “Virgin Mary”. 

So what is truly sexier to men?  Booties and breasts hanging out, or the woman who a man has to ponder in his mind about?  “Hmm…I wonder what she looks like under there?”;  ie her clothes or head wrap.  “Her eyes are beautiful…so I wonder how beautiful the rest of her body is?”  The practice of covering up commands a certain respect from a man, and he doesn’t want other men to see or have his prize or goods.  In turn, not knowing what her ASSets look like will drive the man wild, like a little boy who imagines and dreams.  This man will have the drive to find out all about this woman.

The positive for women is that the man is forced to find out about her mind without lusting for her before the wraps are taken off.  At times, all our accessories can be a distraction and seek to define us.  Yes even our hair!  (in reference to the movie “Good Hair”).  These superficial maintenance ideals could possibly keep men from truly getting to know us.  I for one like all women of every culture (as portrayed in the movie), love getting “dolled up”, and our men enjoy seeing us happy.  However, they, if they are a straight man, could care less about how much our clothes cost; what designer we’re wearing; what hairstyle we have; how much our nails and massage cost; or how long it took to get done; unless we are “wifey” and it then affects their bank account.

They love us for us…well, a real man does.  They love us for our minds; when we’re all dolled up or when we are just taking it easy in some sweats and a scarf.  Remember what Drake said; “that’s when you’re the prettiest, I’m hoping you don’t take it wrong”.  Men tell me, that we women dress up for each other.  There’s some truth in that.  Now the shallow men are different.  If they see you in the club with your headwrap they may look the other way.  However, confidence and beauty are within.  I’ve gone from the fro, to braids, to the long weave, to the “Halle” cut, to the headwrap, and still have no problem pullin ‘em.  (But I’m a real life chameleon). 

The strength in being a chameleon is that its power involves the ability to blend in whatever environment it chooses (to protect itself).  The downfall of this characteristic is that it is always becoming what others are (trying to fit in) or who others want it to be; therefore not making a true definition for its own person.  Without knowledge of self, relationships with others will not last long or will always breed difficulty.  Common said it best “never find a man til you find yourself”.  I agree.

You can imagine that I attract all types of men with all of those different looks previously mentioned.  It just depends on which Rae wants to be on the scene that night or the type of event I’m attending.  I’m thinking finding myself will breed consistency in my style or look.  When you’re lost, you’ll try everything (hairstyles and men).  Next stop for me, dreads perhaps?  We’ll see…

Once upon a time I was dating a guy, and he was very reserved and introverted.  Y’all know I’m highly extroverted, and was just being myself by changing up my hairstyles to match my outgoing personality.  He hated it!  So the decision was to wear it like he liked it or just be me.  I didn’t choose the latter initially.  Needless to say the relationship was short-lived.  If you can’t be yourself, you shouldn’t stay in a stifling relationship.  In conclusion, he broke it off.  Thanks for the favor I say!!   

Remember ladies, it’s about what’s within that truly matters; not hot shoes and Birkins.  Men don’t care about those until you ask them for money…and don’t hesitate to try being “prudish” for a day…He will feel 16 again.  Like the man in the movie from Down Under (Australia) said “the forbidden is a huge turn on”…

I’m Catholic and sometimes Baptist.  We grew up wearing pantyhose and skirts to the knee…men like pantyhose…

Many of us truly desire what we can’t have and what appears to be unattainable…sometimes it’s unfortunate, but the one who can get the man or woman they want to want them badly enough as well, has truly mastered the law of attraction which often involves a bit of detachment.

Distant Lover

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I think I’m gaining an understanding of having my heart stolen, captured, and left in another city or cities. Have you ever felt this way? This feeling of wanting to be with someone who is thousands of miles away…It’s like being sprung…in one sense, being single means just love locally or date locally or enjoy being with the one or ones who are close to you…but love knows no boundaries…when you love someone or we’ll just say extremely like, you want to be with, talk to that person everyday in every way you can…despite boundaries. Do some people shy away from distant relationships because of this feeling? Create a sense of detachment out of fear of not being able to get to the one they want to be with. I haven’t felt this way in a long time…just giving up the locals for someone distant…how does this happen? I think for women it’s easier to give up the locals more so than men, but I may be wrong 😉 “If you can’t have the one you love, love the one you’re with”…sounds like something a man would say…would you truly be happy in doing so? Or maybe that song actually means, you better love who loves you…but ok, I’m seeking something mutual here…lol So the other day, I decided to listen to some Marvin Gaye. “Distant Lover” this song explains it all…I mean it sounds like he had a summer love, and they had to depart from one another. Seasonal lovers…it’s like trying to turn a season into a lifetime. So as we continue to search or not search for love…which in actuality throughout this journey we continuously learn about ourselves and ultimately if we did not possess that self love, find “that” in the search. Inherently, the lesson is to not give your heart away too soon…some type of trust and understanding of communication should be established first…in situations near or far.

So I am learning, but I also see why it takes some people a long time to trust, love, or give away their hearts. I’m not saying not to love or trust, but when you do love so freely, openly, honestly, everyone is not ready to or doesn’t receive it…so you can love by letting them go or developing a sense of detachment…only a detachment that protects yourself but does not hurt others’ feelings. It can be a catch 22. The lesson: love yourself…sounds overrated, but it is true…when you love yourself, it doesn’t matter what someone does or doesn’t do to you or for you. You have already taken care of yourself…

Hmm…in loving someone who is distant or being/acting distant, one may wonder, what is the point of loving or having someone who you can’t be with or see or talk to? Again, I guess the point is more so to learn about yourself. There is something called a “love language”. We don’t all possess the same one. Someone who is acting distant may just have a different love language than you. Okay so that’s a positive. In my mind, I’m thinking…”if he doesn’t call/text…stalk or etc. everyday, something is wrong with him…should I take a hint…he doesn’t love me or let alone like me”…but it’s like when we’re together…everything is perfect and roses or when we do talk…so there is definitely something off in the communication…or maybe I’m just reading too much into what seems to me like a lack of communication. Now if the stalker was someone that I didn’t like, then I’d be annoyed…a catch 22. Kind of a sad situation because I want things to be one way, but in the reality of my mind they are this way…long distance…not committed…hmm…don’t talk/text everyday…detached. Again what’s the point or purpose?

Maybe I’m void in the department of self-love, which is why I seek an outside source of love…hmmm? Ok, just maybe…maybe I need to re-focus, change my focus. Again, just let this person go…allow them to be free and to communicate their love language to me or not…I’ve already communicated mine…even if they don’t care, don’t receive and are not listening. Do I change or alter my love language? Feel bouts of sadness from having withdrawals of him? Find someone else to love? The answer to these questions is NO!! Be yourself, cheer up, and love you!! Change takes time, but we must work on it everyday. Self-improve…read, work out, stay busy, work on career, hang with family and friends, date others (if you’re feeling up to it)…there’s a lot to do while sitting around waiting for the one you love to call…the one who already knows how you feel about him…I am not one to hide my feelings, but I can’t control what someone does with that info. I don’t know his reaction. He says that the feelings are mutual, but I don’t see that in his actions.

Again, I’m learning…more so about me than anything or anyone else…my aim is to be free from all of my anxieties…to get through this process and come out loving myself more…knowing myself best…expecting the best in life and from others…but also with the reality that things happen and that I can’t change someone and that regardless of what I do or say, people are going to be and do themselves anyway with or without my love. Right now, I’m reluctant to start anything new or rekindle anything old. I’m not up for it. I just want to do me…and work on me…I know that I’ve fallen in love with someone…but is it really love…okay so I won’t say in love, but that I do love someone…again though…”if it isn’t love, then say what it is” lol…another song. Seriously, it may feel like love, but it could be infatuation…the opposite would be unconditional love which involves the ability of sacrifice…would I give this person a lung…an arm…a kidney…whoa!! So maybe it’s not love…it’s a good feeling, but not when it’s not reciprocated the way I expect it. So I would like to see where these feelings lead me with this person…maybe it will just be “history” or something to go in the “friend” file…which is okay with me right now 😉 It hurts a little…but who said that growing had to feel good…I know that I will look back on these experiences a changed woman…a “grown” woman…a wise woman…and someone who is at peace about my life for choosing to not harden my heart despite what people do or don’t do.